LAUGH LINES : Jokes

O.J. updates: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the feud between Robert Shapiro and F. Lee Bailey regarding media leaks: “Although they are not speaking, they both concede that all major decisions are being made by the team’s real leader, Larry H. Parker.” (Mills)

“For his personal safety, O.J. will now be moved from his regular cell into a shark-proof cage,” says comic Jenny Church. Mills adds that insiders say the feud rose over the division of fees; they both wanted the same half of O.J.’s house.

Comic Dennis Miller, on O.J.’s new book: “I Want to Tell You” gives his side of the story. Actually, the book itself is only four pages, but there’s a 723-page forward by Shapiro.”

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In the news: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on Oprah Winfrey’s on-air admission she smoked crack cocaine in her 20s: “Not to be outdone, Rush Limbaugh confessed he once ate three extra-large Dominos pizzas in one sitting.” What was equally surprising, adds comedy writer Gary Easley, “is that she chose to go public now instead of waiting for the February sweeps.”

Jay Leno, on the Dutch food and liquor maker introducing an ice cream spiked with alcohol: “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Now, you’ll have kids hanging around Baskin-Robbins saying, ‘Hey, will you buy me a pint of Rocky Road? I lost my I.D. in a flood.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the special prosecutor’s change of heart regarding Hillary Clinton’s $100,000 profit from her $1,000 cattle futures investment: “He says he won’t investigate, but Orange County would love Clinton to be their new treasurer.”

Comedy writer Larry Swerdlow, on fitness guru Susan Powter’s recent bankruptcy filing: “Her new bumper sticker reads: ‘Lose Money Now, Ask Me How.’ ”

Church, on the ways to tell the “Star Trek Voyager” captain Kathryn Janeway is a woman: “When the ship is lost in time-space continuum, she is willing to stop and ask for directions.”

Comedy writer Mel Golob, on President Clinton’s consultations with infomercial meister Tony Robbins: “Clinton just announced that he plans on bringing in a new Secretary of Commerce . . . Ron Popeil.”

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Among David Letterman’s top 10 Dan Quayle presidential campaign slogans:

* “I’m not half as terrifying as that Newt guy.”

* “Vote for change--vote for a Republican draft dodger!”

* “I promise I’ll let Marilyn run the country.”

* “Quayle: The other white meat.”

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A neighbor of reader Melissa Eastman-Wantz of Ventura who just had a baby returned home from the hospital and showed her kindergarten-age daughter Jaimie the family photo album. It contained pictures of the little girl and her 8 year-old brother when they were babies.

After browsing through the album, the little girl frowned and asked:

“Mommy, where is the picture of Daddy when you had him?”

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