COMMITMENTS : Across the Fence : What makes a good neighbor? Balancing a desire to help with a healthy respect for privacy.

Robert Frost, who wrote that “good fences make good neighbors,” obviously never had to rush home from work to nab the best parking space or try to explain to the newcomers next door why goats aren’t allowed within the city limits whether you have a fence or not.

In a city where many cultures are trying to live together peacefully, it’s communication and commitment to common goals that make for good neighbors, says Los Angeles Police Department Deputy Chief Mark Kroeker, in charge of Los Angeles’ South Bureau.

Kroeker ought to know--he’s the man placed in charge of the community-policing effort in the Foothill division after the 1991 beating of Rodney King.

Good neighbors can make life safer and more pleasant. Bad ones can drive you nuts, make every day miserable and maybe even sabotage your property values.

When the goal becomes survival, neighbors generally propel themselves past social formalities and band together. In Los Angeles’ recent past, earthquakes, fires, floods and crime have provided the catalyst for much neighborhood cohesiveness.

“Crisis definitely brings out the best and the worst in people,” Kroeker says. “It’s the self-involvement and business of our daily lives that keeps us from being good neighbors.”

“Neighborly relationships, like all relationships, are fundamentally based on trust,” says Prof. Charles Hill, a social psychologist at Whittier College. “Breaking the ice isn’t always easy. We generally keep our initial interactions small because it’s less risky, letting trust develop over time. What can threaten that trust is when a person doesn’t reciprocate or offers too much too fast. When somebody you’ve just met spills their life story, you feel uncomfortable about reciprocating.”

Hill believes good neighbors offer reliability and caring without seeming nosy.

“The most important concept is respecting each other’s privacy,” he says. “Because we are in close proximity, we need to use some tactful blindness. You may see and hear things that were not intended for you.”

Neighbors are not necessarily where we look for intimacy, says Letty Cottin Pogrebin, author of “Among Friends--Who We Like, Why We Like Them and What We Do With Them” (McGraw-Hill, 1987).

Pogrebin found while researching her book that 60% of us rely on neighbors, but only 37% of us frequently visit with them.

“Like a work culture, we all develop a neighborhood culture and we learn to adapt,” she says. “We look for dependability in our neighbors, and if there are common interests some (neighbors) become good pals.”

Neighborliness depends largely on where we live too. Janet Mandarino lived in Burbank for four years before moving back to her native New York.

“I found people in L.A. much more open,” she says. “I knew my neighbors right away. The L.A. lifestyle had a lot to do with it. You meet your neighbors down at the Jacuzzi and talk. In New York, people go to great lengths to avoid contact. It’s taken three years to get to know my neighbors here.”

Neighborhoods vary extensively within the Southland. In South-Central L.A., Kroeker finds a cohesiveness among neighbors unmatched elsewhere in the city.

“These people look after each other’s children. They are more willing to attend meetings. They frequent each other’s homes. They are some of the most concerned people I’ve met,” he says.

Becky LeVeque feels the same about her Porter Ranch neighborhood. She and her neighbors have reduced crime in their area by 62% in the past two years after she spearheaded a Neighborhood Watch program. LeVeque’s tight-knit community holds regular meetings and fund-raisers to help accomplish their goals, but more than that, LeVeque enjoys living in a neighborhood where people really care for one another.

“We have people here who are really bonded within their community. It’s almost like reinventing the extended family,” she says. “If someone goes to bed and leaves their garage door open, then someone (else) closes it.”

Architects and planners have long sought ways to create community congeniality, says architect Victor Regnier, an expert on how design affects behavior and dean of the USC school of architecture.

“The cul-de-sac was created to promote neighborhood friendliness,” he says.

If our house is our castle, then front lawns and porches act as the drawbridge--a sort of safe middle ground for interaction without too much commitment.

“Many of us see our neighbors coming and going daily,” Hill says. “It’s important that we acknowledge their existence with a wave or a friendly nod.”

Lack of neighborliness contributes to the logjam in our court system. The American Bar Assn. estimates that neighbor conflicts make up to 45% of the misdemeanor charges filed in U.S. courts.

Conflicts are bound to occur when we live in so close, Hill says, but lawsuits tend to be a lose-lose situation. Many disputes are not the result of bad intentions, just poor communication.

“The reason there’s so much neighborly arbitration is because people just don’t talk to each other anymore,” says Angela Haskins, director of the American Arbitration Assn. Center for Mediation in Los Angeles. “Going to court costs you next to nothing, and whether you win or lose you can let the world know you think your neighbor is an idiot.”

Haskins remembers how insulted she felt when one of her own neighbors couldn’t meet her eye-to-eye.

“I didn’t realize my music was so loud. Instead of coming over and asking me to turn it down, the neighbor called the landlord. The landlord then called security, who then came to my door and asked me to turn it down. I was embarrassed and angry about the way it was handled,” she says.

The first step in developing good neighborly relationships is being upfront with each other. “If you’re constantly being annoyed or abused and you say nothing about it, you only punish yourself,” Hill says.

“The principal art of neighborliness is communication, and that means to keep talking even if you’re angry,” Kroeker says.

If problems persist, bring in a mediator or objective third party, especially if there’s a language barrier. “Don’t write the neighbors off,” Kroeker says, “you’ll lose so much. Being a good neighbor involves a large dose of selflessness.”

“The only thing I’ve seen go wrong with a neighbor is bad manners,” says Michael SeLeague, an instrument maker who has lived in his Glendale neighborhood for more than 10 years. “We’re all in the same boat. If you have a neighborhood problem, you have to keep plugging away at it until an agreement is reached. A neighborly problem is like dog poop on your lawn. If you don’t clean it up, it’s going to stink. You have to take care of your messes.”

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

How good a neighbor are you?

1. How many neighbors do you know by name?

A) 0-1

B) 2-4

C) 5 or more

*

2. Do you acknowledge your eighbors when you see them outside their homes?

A) Never

B) Sometimes

C) Always

*

3. How often do you drop by your neighbors’ houses without calling first?

A) Frequently

B) Occasionally

C) Never

*

4. Have you ever borrowed something from a neighbor and not returned it or returned something broken?

A) More than once

B) Once

C) Never

*

5. Have you ever helped out a neighbor in a pinch?

A) Never

B) Once or twice

C) Three times or more

*

6. If you saw something suspicious going on in the neighborhood would you:

A) Do nothing

B) Try to call another neighbor

C) Call the police

*

7. If you are planning a loud activity such as a party, construction or tree trimming, do you let your neighbors know about it ahead of time?

A) Never

B) Sometimes

C) Always

*

8. Have you ever attended a neighborhood or residential meeting?

A) Never

B) Once or twice

C) Three times or more

Give yourself one point for every time you answered A, two points for every B answer and three points for every C answer. If you scored 19-24, Mr. Rogers would be proud of you; 18-11, a little more effort might help; 10 or less, we’re sure glad you don’t live next door to us.