Fans Want Action, Not Jingles

The Oilers were in the building but irony was in the air as the Ducks finally got around to playing their home opener Monday night, 106 days behind schedule.

Michael Eisner’s pregame welcome-back speech was interrupted twice, drowned out first by a cascade of boos, then by a chorus of honking duck calls--the same ones that retail for $10 in the “Mighty Ducks Official Merchandise Catalog” and made Eisner a miniature fortune last season.

The Ducks attempted to mollify their long-locked out public by handing out free T-shirts to fans who had already given the shirts off their backs to finance admission to The Pond.

Paul Kariya scored his first regular-season goal in Anaheim, 19 months after the Ducks drafted him, and the P.A. announcer marked the landmark achievement by bellowing, “And now the moment you’ve been waiting for . . . the great T-shirt slingshot giveaway!”

Soon, it was raining inside as well as outside. T-shirts were flung high and far into the stands by roving Disney employees carrying large elastic bands--always an ominous sight--and from there it was on to the great Bushnell binoculars giveaway, a thoughtful gift for those sitting in the best seats a five-figure salary can afford.

On Fan Appeasement Night, another sellout audience of 17,174 learned the true definition of what it means to be a loyal Duck fan.

Actually, there were eight definitions, printed on the back of every Mighty Duck “LoyalTshirt.”

“ 1: two-legged mammal who gathers in flocks”

(Especially on the Katella off-ramp on the 57 freeway an hour before faceoff.)

“ 2: enthusiastic devotee of ducks playing hockey”

(Recently upgraded from dump-and-chase to dump-and-pray-for-Kariya.)

“ 3: unswerving in allegiance”

(They’ve seen the Rams and the Angels.)

‘ ‘4: faithful to a cause”

(And the Disney coffers.)

“5: indigenous to frozen orange county ponds containing arrowhead water”

(The definition of a cleverly placed word from our sponsor.)

“6: despises kings and other monarchs”

(Including aspiring dictators named Bettman.)

“7: displays aggressive, boisterous, intimidating tendencies toward animals who migrate to habitat (bruins, blackhawks, redwings, panthers, penguins, sharks)”

(Sorry. That’s the dictionary definition of “Stu Grimson.”)

‘ ‘8: color preference jade, purple, white (dislikes black and silver ) “

(Unlike Disney, whose color preference is gold, silver, copper and greenback.)

There the T-shirt message stopped.

Apparently, these were left on the print shop floor:

9: must often choose between buying a ticket on the main plaza concourse or next week’s groceries.

10: doesn’t mind parking at Cal State Fullerton and taking the shuttle over.

11: will boo chief executive duck if made to wait 3 1/2 months without a bodycheck.

12: will take a 5-4 overtime victory over a free T-shirt any day of the week.

These last two truths, in particular, were made self-evident Monday, beginning with Eisner’s bold attempt to address the crowd before the game and climaxing with Peter Douris’ decisive goal, pumped home with 39.4 seconds left in overtime.

Introduced as “the No. 1 Mighty Ducks hockey fan,” Eisner was booed as soon as he stepped on the ice and behind the microphone.

“Thank you for living through this period,” Eisner began, and the fans turned up the volume, jeering louder and displaying aggressive, boisterous and intimidating tendencies when tooting on a purple plastic duck call.

Eisner stopped talking.

The crowd roared its approval.

Ever the resourceful pitchman, Eisner took a step back, grinned and delivered a killer comeback:

“The Mighty Ducks are here in Anaheim . . . forever!”

Translation: We’re not the Rams and I’m not Georgia Frontiere.

The crowd went nuts and Eisner had won them over, had stemmed the revolt.

“Our fans are here forever,” Eisner continued, building on the momentum.

“Thank you very much. Skate on and enjoy yourself.”

Thanks to an ice-breaking goal by Kariya in the second period, a game-tying goal by Joe Sacco with barely 90 seconds left in regulation and Douris’ ultimate ride to the rescue, the fans did precisely that.

“C’mon, play the game!” yelled one customer growing restless as the pregame laser-fog-firework-and-dancing-Decoy extravaganza neared the half-hour mark.

That’s all the people want.

Action always speaks louder than words embossed on the back of some giveaway T-shirt.