‘90s FAMILY : Too Much of the Positive Can Be Negative

Checking out a preschool recently, Marcy Axness of Malibu Canyon felt her heart sink. As she watched the toddlers twirl and spin in a dance lesson, she heard the teachers tell them, “Good dancing, Kyle.” “Good dancing, Timmy.”

The teachers were just doing what teachers have been taught for decades. But Axness knew such praise has a dark side.

“I grew up in one of those upper-middle-class families where a lot of manipulative praise happens,” said Axness, 38, a former documentary producer and now a stay-at-home mother of two. Consequently, she said she turned into “an acknowledgment junkie,” who craved fixes of feedback and praise.

“It became a real issue in my marriage,” she said. “I was wanting my husband to say how nice I looked when I got dressed.” When she left her job to raise children at home, she felt a sort of withdrawal when she no longer heard words like, “Good piece, Marcy. Good script. Good this, good that.”

In the larger scheme of things, the words adults choose to praise children may seem like elitist hair-splitting. But it can be important, as teachers of overpraised, under-motivated children will readily attest.

One third-grade teacher said such kids are surprised to learn they have to work hard in school. “When kids are praised for work that’s truly not good enough, when they run into someone who expects better, they don’t have the stamina for it,” she said. “They give up easily.”

Even earned praise can be counterproductive. “A number of studies show people who expect to receive a reward for completing a task, or completing it successfully, don’t perform as well as those who expect nothing,” said Linda Braun, director of Families First, a Cambridge, Mass.-based parenting program.

Fifty years ago, child psychologist and parenting author Haim Ginott distinguished between descriptive and evaluative praise. But Braun said his ideas have often been misinterpreted or oversimplified.

“People are told they should be positive with children rather than negative and positive reinforcements gets you better results and that’s true,” Braun said. But praise can backfire when adults are too vague and global (“You’re so smart!”) as well as when they use it to control children or make them feel better (“Good job!”). Eventually, the praisees become praise junkies who need external awards and praise in order to take the initiative or to feel good (“You like me! You really like me!”).

According to Braun, the current thinking goes like this: Praise your kids but be specific. Avoid exaggeration. Be aware of your own motivations. Avoid being manipulative. Avoid giving backhanded praise or combining it with “constructive criticism” (“Good playing, Tommy, but next time. . . .”). Focus on efforts (“It’s easy to be discouraged when you miss the ball. But you kept at it. You must be proud of your persistence.”).

Praise in private and avoid comparisons such as, “You’re a better artist and your brother is a better ballet dancer.” Encourage children to be the final judge of their own work and activities. (“I love looking at this drawing. Do you like it?”)

For parents like Axness who are striving to avoid repeating their parents’ mistakes, it’s a lot to have to remember. And savvy kids know when they’re being “managed.” Kids have a laser-beam capacity for targeting emotional truths. In the long run, what hurts may not be the words themselves so much as the hypocrisy behind them. As Axness recalled: “My mother said, ‘You can do anything you want. You are incredible.’ The irony was, I could do anything except be interesting enough to make her want to spend time with me.”

In any case, Axness endeavors to suspend judgment--especially regarding her children’s creative efforts. For instance, she buttons her lip when she sees her daughter has dressed up in an outrageously original combination of frills and colors. “I let her come to me and say, ‘Look at how pretty I look.’ I’ll say, ‘You’re wearing a lot of pink.’ ”

But once in a while, Axness said, she just can’t help herself. “Sometimes, I blurt out, ‘I love this! This is beautiful!’ ”

Good parenting, Mrs. Axness.