LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Super Bowl XXIX: “Kathie Lee Gifford sang the national anthem, and everyone knew the protocol. At the conclusion of her song, fans returned to the stadium.”

Adds Ray: “High above the stadium was that three-ton dirigible full of hot air. Yep, Rush Limbaugh got the worst seats this year.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the President intervening in the baseball strike: “How come the only issue he takes a stand on involves hot dogs and beer?”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the one-hour, 20-minute State of the Union speech: “It would have been even longer if President Clinton hadn’t cut the 18 1/2-minute tribute to Richard Nixon.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on response to Clinton’s call to stem teen pregnancies: “Everyone’s pitching in. School nurses will give out facts, counselors will offer help and Kelsey Grammer will start asking for ID in hotel lobbies.”

Ray, on a study that says extreme cold helps diminish tumors: “In several cases, growths on patients were actually shrunk by a doctor’s personality.”

Reader Michael Rosen says The Newt almost agreed to an increase in the minimum wage from $4.35: “Then he realized it was dollars per hour, not millions per book.”

Reader Mike Males brings us up to date on Orange County’s financial mess:

* Why do school kids like the new Orange County economics textbook? It only has Chapter Nine.

* What’s the newest bumper sticker on Orange County junk vehicles? My other car was collateral.

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Cirque du O.J.: “In his new book, O. J. says that he wondered what Nicole was thinking at the end. Well, why didn’t he ask her?” (Ryan)

* “The witness who says she saw four men near the crime scene has been sued 34 times for allegedly failing to pay bills or fraud. Maybe the guys she saw outside Nicole’s condo were process servers looking for her . . . . At least when she testifies, she’ll be familiar with trial procedures.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Authorities have about as much chance of recovering evidence on the four men allegedly seen leaving the crime scene as creditors have recovering any money from the witness.” (Jerry Gilbert)

* “You can tell that the networks are exploiting this case. Testimony about the glove will be sponsored by Isotoner.” (Ray)

* “Prosecutor Christopher Darden called one defense witness a court-certified pathological liar. Just how do you swear in a court-certified pathological liar?” (Ryan)

* “It seems to me that the Simpson defense team has more witnesses than Jehovah.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “Do you think that when Judge Lance Ito went to law school, he had any idea he’d wind up as America’s most-famous TV talk show host?” (Judy Saner)

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Ventura reader Ralph Benitz says he was accompanied by a woman friend when he recently visited his two sons. One boy, 6, boastfully spoke for both when he told the woman:

“We are the cutest little boys in the whole wide world--and we fart!”

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SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.