LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton naming a gynecologist as surgeon general: “It’s a good step. And maybe now they can get a proctologist to help with Congress.”

Leno, on Groundhog Day: “With everything going on, wasn’t it refreshing to see something coming out of a hole in the ground that wasn’t a lawyer?”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the postmaster general calling for streamlining the Postal Service by updating rules: “He says we’ve got a ‘70s law that isn’t cutting it in the ‘90s. Well, we’ve also got ‘70s mail that still hasn’t been delivered in the ‘90s.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on an experimental program authorized by the Clinton Administration that would pay kids to continue their education: “This makes disciplinary problems even tougher. Kids caught bringing guns into class will now have to be suspended with pay.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on taxpayers picking up the plane-fare tab in 1993 so The Newt could go home to Georgia to teach a college history class: “Maybe this falls under his ‘contract with American Airlines.’ ”

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RIP: Comedy writer Jaime Hellman, on the death of the founder of Fotomat: “Mourners at the funeral received a replacement roll of film, free.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the death of Broadway legend George Abbott: “His memorial services are scheduled for Monday through Saturday, with a special Thursday matinee.”

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Cirque du O. J.: “O. J. had such a close relationship with the LAPD that during last year’s Ford Bronco chase, the pursuing police thought they were just going to O.J.’s house for tennis and doughnuts.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Letters that O.J. wrote Nicole were displayed on a screen. The spelling and grammar were so bad that USC promptly fired the chairman of its English department.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The tabloids wouldn’t buy Mary Anne Gerchas’ story that she saw four men running from the crime scene. She couldn’t say for sure that two of the guys were Elvis and JFK.” (Hamilton)

* “Thursday was a milestone day in the case. We went over 24 hours without a new alibi. I guess Johnnie Cochran had writer’s block or something.” (Leno)

* “Since listening to the damaging 911 tapes, Johnnie Cochran has been dreaming that Rosemary Woods was still alive.” (Halpern)

“Faye Resnick says that, through a psychic, Nicole asked her to write a book. She also claims that Nicole also insisted she cash all the royalty checks.” (Mills)

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Rancho Cucamonga reader Diana Rupert was eating with daughter Christina, 8, when the youngster suddenly announced she’d like to become a vegetarian. Mom explained that while her idea was noble, Christina should understand that hamburgers, chicken and pepperoni pizza were just a few favorite foods she must eliminate. Christina thought for a moment, then said:

“Well, maybe I just won’t eat any endangered species.” *

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