It’s Not Only Physical, and It’s Not Only for the Young

Although they’re no longer newlyweds, John and Audrey Conway still act as if they are. Everyday, the couple, both in their 80s, make sure to give each other plenty of hugs.

“We don’t go too long without hugging,” says Audrey, 81. “One of us will pass by the other person and say, ‘It’s time for a hug.’ ”

Though the common perception tends to be that older individuals don’t need as much physical interaction as younger people, that couldn’t be further from the truth, says John Conway, 85.

“You don’t have to be young to stay physically close to someone,” he says.

The couple, who live at Villa Valencia, a full-service senior living community in Laguna Hills, regularly participate in physical activities that keep them in close contact with each other, including hiking, swimming, walking and ballroom dancing.

“We walk every day and hold hands when we do so--not only for safety, but because we enjoy the physical association,” John says.

Ballroom dancing is another physical hobby they enjoy, Audrey says. “Dance is more than exercise,” she says. “You hold each other close and have to agree on what direction you’re going to go. It requires communicating on all levels, which makes for a better relationship.”

Older people need physical attention and love just as much as younger people, agrees Susan McCoy, gerontological counselor at Villa Valencia.

“Touch is nourishing to people of any age,” she says. “It’s possible for people to stay physically and mentally in love into their 80s and even 90s. Unfortunately, our society believes the stereotype that older individuals start to withdraw from physical contact as they age. This idea can be self-perpetuating, unless people like the Conways challenge that myth.”

Age can make physical love stronger, McCoy says. “Couples who have a long history together have more to celebrate and are often more comfortable with each other physically,” she says.

As people get older, they don’t lose the urge to bond with others, adds Sandra Marzilli, project coordinator of the gerontology certificate program at Saddleback College in Mission Viejo.

“Close, physical relationships are extremely important throughout our lives,” she says. “Today’s senior citizen is not one to sit back and be a couch potato. Seniors look forward to this time in their lives and are constantly sparking new flames.”

Seniors who have lost a spouse will often look for a new relationship, says Marlene Pape, director of marketing at Golden Creek Inn in Irvine, which provides full-service senior apartments.

“When many people arrive here, they are single, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need physical contact with other people,” Pape says. “One couple found each other here. Now they walk together and hold hands, and I often see them cuddling. If there’s chemistry, people will gravitate toward one another no matter what their age.”

In many ways, older love is richer than young love, Pape says. “There isn’t the same kind of passion, but there is a warm feeling older people get with one another, accompanied by a sense of wisdom, deep understanding and compassion.”

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The Conways were happily married to other people when they met in a hiking group 10 years ago. A few years later, both spouses died. After that, they gravitated toward each other, marrying in July, 1990.

Since getting together, they are involved in a constant whirlwind of activity. Not only do they walk and swim together every day, they take a long hike once a week, such as a recent five-mile trek up and down Saddleback Mountain. They also enjoy bicycling.

Retirement gives the Conways plenty of time to be physically active.

“I do more physical activities now than I did when I was younger,” says Audrey, who takes three aerobics classes a week and does line dancing with John once a week.

“John and I can climb hills better than some of the younger people who come to visit us,” she says.

Today’s senior population is much more aware than past generations of the benefits of staying physically active, says Marzilli, who notes that seniors are a rapidly growing segment of the population.

“In Orange County, the 65 and over population has doubled in the last 10 years. By the year 2030, 21% of the population will be older Americans,” she says.

Couples who stay fit together enhance their relationship, Marzilli says.

“Not only are they benefiting physically from exercise and activities, they are likely to be healthier and happier, which increases communication,” she says. “The more physically alert they are, the more mentally alert they are, and the better their relationship.”

The Conways agree that staying physically fit makes for a great relationship.

“If we weren’t physically fit, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the things we do together,” John says. “Although many of these activities can be done alone, it’s a lot more fun to do them with someone else.”

The Conways say they have both been blessed with good health. Many older adults are physically limited by illness, but that doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy physical contact.

Hiking may be out for some couples, but they could take a leisurely walk together. Visiting the theater, gardening, drawing and painting are other possibilities that allow physical contact.

“How a couple perceive health problems greatly affects how they react,” says gerontological counselor McCoy. “At Villa Valencia, we help couples celebrate being together, despite their limitations. One couple was very healthy until the wife lost her speech. We’ve worked with them to develop a new way of communicating and compensate for the disadvantage, and they’ve remained very close.”

The key to staying physically in love is for a couple to look past what has been lost and focus on what they can still do together, McCoy says. “If a person understands the other person’s physical limitations, it’s much easier to enjoy one another.”