LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Fools on the hill: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Newt Gingrich’s decision not to run for President: “He won’t let anything stand in the way of the original job he came to Washington to do. He’s going to finish that book if it kills him.”

Comedy writer R. Alex Kaseburg, on reporters asking Dan Quayle if he’ll run in the next millennium: “He said, ‘I don’t know. Do they come in four-wheel drive?’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Quayle bowing out of the presidential race: “He’ll give his children four more years to change their names and start new lives.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on House Republican allegations against surgeon general nominee Henry Foster Jr.: “They’re claiming Foster performed heart surgery on Gingrich and couldn’t find it.”

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In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on accused killer Colin Ferguson, who’s acting as his own attorney: “He’ll not only cross-examine himself, he plans to start his own law firm: Ferguson & Ferguson.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Marriott’s new Beirut hotel: “There are problems. They kidnap you once you’re off your plane . . . you can’t get directions because you’re driven there blindfolded. . . . But it’s not all bad: You can charge your ransom to your American Express card.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on Prague’s Daniela Pestova, Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue cover model: “When informed of the news, she said she was so excited she could almost eat.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the Academy Award nominations: “Surprisingly, voters again overlooked the believable work of Erik and Lyle Menendez. But Cindy Crawford did edge out Madonna for best supporting mole.”

Adds Jay Leno: “Johnnie Cochran was nominated for best performance of righteous indignation.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Almost certain dismissal faces the juror who lifted a tarp to reveal a life-sized statue of Kato Kaelin actually working.” (Mills)

* “The juror also allegedly bet a co-worker a week’s pay that O.J. would be found innocent. Cochran protested vehemently, saying a better bet would be three weeks pay.” (Peyser)

* “During cross-examination, Cochran quizzed Officer Robert Riske about the skewed bloody footprints found at the crime scene. Either the defense is building a case for sloppy work against police, or a murder case against Arthur Murray.” (Healey)

* “Al Cowlings’ new 900 phone number message describes the unthinkable: what it’s like to drive on five L.A. freeways during Friday rush hour . . . with no traffic.” (Brad Halpern)

* “The defense is holding a shocking trump card to play later in the trial. They’re going to call Ike Turner as a character witness.” (Dan O’Neill)

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Reader Gail Miller’s husband asked her son, Michael, 3, “What do kids say when they really like something. That it’s cool or great ?” The boy replied:

“ I say , it’s MINE !”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.