Baseball Has Cracker Jack Plan to Entice Old Fans

Attention major league baseball season-ticket holders:

Major league baseball owners want you back.

More than ever, they want you to know.

They realize what they did to you was wrong--taking away the World Series, watering down the playoffs until they dissolved, cutting off your daily fix after Aug. 12, forcing you to watch way too many Ram games last fall.

So now, they want to make it up to you. They want to re-open lines of communication, lines of mutual trust and respect, lines of credit. And they are willing to try any measure, go any distance, offer any enticement to get it done.

Short of playing real major league games with real major league players.

Thus, for a limited time only, in exchange for your signature on a 1995 season-ticket renewal form (and accompanying personal check), 20 of the 28 American and National league teams are throwing in, as a token of their appreciation, stuff.

Autographed baseballs.

Autographed bats.

Concert tickets.

Trips to the park.

Trips to the Olympics.

Caps.

Coupons.

Key chains.

Toys.

Trinkets.

Everything but a home run by Frank Thomas, a strikeout by Randy Johnson and a bases-loaded double into the gap by Jeff Bagwell.

Sorry, those items are no longer available and may or may not be back-ordered and, most likely, will be replaced by the new Matt Stark, Phil Ouellette and Brad Komminsk lines.

But, you can have a baseball signed by Bagwell. Re-up with the Houston Astros for a thousand dollars or so and it’s all yours.

Or, you can have a baseball signed by Phil Rizzuto (New York Yankee season-ticket package). Or Tony La Russa (Oakland A’s package). Or Rod Carew (Angels). Or Lou Piniella (Mariners).

Seattle is pushing the Piniella baseball as an incredible perk, but two years ago, Mariner season-ticket buyers had a Ken Griffey Jr. ball tossed into the deal. But Griffey is on strike now and not signing anything management can use to sell tickets with. So not only are the Mariners offering their fans replacement baseball, they’re offering them replacement baseballs.

(Question: If Bagwell signed those baseballs after Aug. 12, and knew how the Astros intended to use them, does that, in effect, make Bagwell a strike-breaker? And if so, do you want to tell him?)

The Florida Marlins are offering a baseball bat signed by Rene Lachemann. An heirloom to be treasured a lifetime. Lachemann has done a nice job managing the Marlins through their 1.69 seasons, but in three years with the Kansas City and Oakland A’s during the 1960s, Lachemann batted .210 with nine home runs and 33 RBIs.

Maybe a Rene Lachemann-autographed clipboard would be a more appropriate gift.

The Kansas City Royals are offering chunks of used artificial turf, the stuff they ripped out of Kaufmann Stadium in 1994 in order to switch to real grass for 1995, the year baseball ripped out the real players in order to switch to artificial.

The Chicago White Sox are offering an open house afternoon, during which season-ticket holders are allowed to visit the actual White Sox clubhouse, sit on the actual White Sox bench and play catch in the Comiskey Park outfield the way the actual White Sox do. Come, live the replacement player experience!

Several teams--the Chicago Cubs, the San Francisco Giants, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Texas Rangers--are offering gift certificates and books of coupons to be redeemed for valuable prizes at stadium concession stands. “Cubs Dollars,” they are being called. “Giants Bucks.” And what can you buy at Wrigley Field with “Cubs Dollars?” A cap, a T-shirt, a coffee mug. Everything, they say, except a pennant.

The Giants are also offering “personal phone calls” from Manager Dusty Baker, or team President Peter Magowan, or “a top club executive.” Uh-oh. At best, you get: “Hi, this is Dusty Baker and I hate this just as much as you do.” At worst: “Hi, this is Julie in Accounts Payable. How ‘bout those Giants?”

The Atlanta Braves are offering chances to buy tickets for the 1996 Summer Olympics and discount coupons to buy Ken Burns’ “Baseball” documentary and, possibly, a gold medal to anyone with documented proof of having made it through all nine episodes.

The Philadelphia Phillies are offering “handwritten responses” to letters fired their way by 5,000 or so season-ticket holders. (Letters allegedly written by Manager Jim Fregosi, GM Lee Thomas and President Bill Giles.) The Pittsburgh Pirates are offering “signed letters,” by Manager Jim Leyland and President Mark Sauer, to all season-ticket renewals. Just what crusty Phillie and Pirate fans have always wanted. Penn pals.

The New York Mets are offering “a pictorial history” of the club, though it’s not comprehensive. Missing are the front- and side-view photos of Darryl Strawberry.

And, finally, the Detroit Tigers, keeping their finger firmly on the pulse of their 1995 fan base, are offering free tickets to a production of “Hello Dolly” . . . or a Boz Scaggs concert.

Really.

The choice is yours.

The pleasure is all theirs.

R.E.M. must have been sold out, and the Tigers, scrambling to plug holes the only way they know how, went with the replacement entertainment.

No wonder Sparky Anderson walked out.