Slow Path to Screen for Stern’s Book ‘Parts’

“Howard is always announcing how people’s movies are so bad. For years, he’s been saying he could make a better movie in his sleep. Well, along came Rysher (Entertainment) and said, ‘Here’s the money. Let’s see your movie.” ’

--Screenwriter Peter Torokvei

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Howard Stern is on the air.

A caller wants to know when the movie based on Stern’s best-selling autobiography, “Private Parts,” is coming out. Suddenly, Stern grows defensive.

“Listen, the movie’s gonna come out, but I got news for you, it’s going to be a good movie when it comes out,” Stern says. “I can put out a bad movie tomorrow. The only reason everybody thinks the movie is taking a long time is because, like a jerk, you know me, I talk about everything. I mean, hold on. There will be a movie.”

But “Private Parts,” which many thought would have gone before the cameras months ago, is still in search of a final script and it isn’t clear when filming will begin--if ever.

Stern has rejected one script after another, constantly changing his mind, sometimes from day to day, on what scenes should go in the movie and what should come out. Sources say as many as 22 script revisions have already been made.

This indecision has fueled speculation that the self-proclaimed “king of all media” is afraid his professional image would suffer should he release a flop.

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“Howard has been No. 1 in everything he has done, so there has got to be unbelievable pressure on him careerwise to succeed,” said Peter Torokvei, who says he worked on “four or five” rewrites with Stern last year. “This film has to do what the book did to publishing.”

Some note that Stern’s position to radio stations around the country is that he has never failed to bring in a winner and that even his autobiography topped the charts.

“His whole pitch is, ‘Let me be your morning show and you’ll be No. 1--every time I come into a new market I’m No. 1 within three months.’ ” said one Hollywood insider. “Now, maybe he’s nervous for the first time that he may fail.”

It wouldn’t be the first Stern movie that failed to get off the ground. “The Adventures of Fartman” was similarly talked about in the press two years ago and nothing ever came of it.

Following Stern from his childhood in an intensely dysfunctional family to his nonstop quest for stardom, “Private Parts” would star Stern himself. Producer David Kirkpatrick said plans even call for 75 celebrity cameos, including Richard Simmons, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jessica Hahn and David Letterman.

Yet Stern’s refusal to sign off on a script has led to endless delays.

“To say Howard is difficult is an understatement,” said Kirkpatrick, a twinge of frustration in his voice. “It’s his first movie and also his own story. We want to find the right attitude to tell the story.”

Kirkpatrick said the film “takes place over a 35-year period” of Stern’s life, “which makes it difficult to compress into a 100-minute-long movie.”

“I think Howard wants the movie to be right,” Kirkpatrick said. “I want it to be right, too--and funny, and break new ground, and have a great debut.”

For his part, screenwriter Torokvei said the movie had appeared to be ready to start filming when he arrived on the project last summer.

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“The line producers were in place, the production secretary was in place and the coordinators were at their desks when I got to New York in late August,” Torokvei recalled. “I was hired to do a production rewrite. Well, I did that for the studio and Howard didn’t sign off on it. He thought there were things in there that didn’t ring right for him.

“At first, Howard is more than willing to hand it over to Hollywood experts because he wants a big Hollywood movie, not an art film,” Torokvei said. “But when he hands it over, he still has to be in charge.

“When we were writing together,” Torokvei said, “on any given scene we did the day before, he would say, ‘That’s old,’ or ‘That’s boring.’ He wanted to freshen the scenes every day. I’d have to remind him that it had worked the day before.”

One problem, say those close to the project, is that Stern not only wants to make a hit movie, but desperately wants to wow the critics. So, while Rysher Entertainment, which is bankrolling the movie (Rysher has foreign distribution rights and Savoy Pictures has domestic rights), would like nothing better than to make another “Wayne’s World,” Stern would like the movie to be another “Lenny,” the acclaimed 1974 film about the late comedian Lenny Bruce. Neither Stern nor Rysher officials would comment for this story.

In addition to Stern, the screenwriters on the project have included Michael Kalensnikow, Torokvei, Larry Sloman and, more recently, Laurice Elehwany and Rick Copp.

A number of directors have also been mentioned, from Alan Metter (“Back to School”) to Penelope Spheeris (“Wayne’s World”) to Harold Ramis. At one point, the filmmakers even considered Quentin Tarantino--as if everyone else in Hollywood hasn’t. Director John Avildsen was brought on board last year but under his deal, sources said, Stern would have had to abide by his vision.

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Indeed, some of the problems with the scripts have centered on the type of film it should be. Should it, for instance, focus more on Stern the radio personality, or explore his childhood and contrast that with how he is today? As envisioned, Stern would play himself in the film from his college years on.

Torokvei said although he wants the movie to succeed, he admits that the thought of Stern playing the lead “made me nervous.”

“I always wanted to pitch the idea that you use Howard in any scenes Howard can do, but anything with a serious impact, like love scenes, you bring in somebody like Alec Baldwin to play Howard just for those scenes,” Torokvei said. “No, it won’t happen. I told my idea to David Kirkpatrick, who said, ‘Let me get this straight. You’re telling me this is how we should do this movie?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ He said, ‘OK, talk to you later.’

“I guess he must have thought I was joking.”