Laugh Lines : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the indictment of former Interior Secretary James Watt: “It’s part of the Justice Department’s Whitewater strategy. They’ll indict a dozen Republicans, then effect a prisoner exchange.”

Hamilton, on a Republican-Democrat compromise on religion and nutrition: “They’re going to allow kids to pray for a hot school lunch.”

Jay Leno, on the President charging that recent Republican proposals would take “food from the mouths of babes”: “If there are any subjects Bill Clinton’s an expert on, it’s food and babes.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the opening of a Hooters restaurant in Newport Beach: “Owners say that despite what people think, the name comes from the owls on its logo. In that case, the owls need a nest reduction.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the strike by Kaiser Aluminum employees: “The union is having a tough time with management. Every strategy they’ve used has eventually been foiled.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on a New Jersey grand jury declining to charge “Frasier” star Kelsey Grammer, following an allegation that he had sex with a 15-year-old girl in 1993: “Regardless, NBC is keeping him away from ‘Blossom.’ ”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on spring training: “One of the replacement pitchers threw a ball so slow that Michael Jordan actually hit it.”

Reader R.J. DeLuke Jr., on the Las Vegas betting line: “Caesars Palace has set the over-under for hairpieces worn at the Academy Awards at 117 1/2.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on women’s clothing manufacturers putting smaller size numbers on today’s clothes because “women aren’t into reality.” “They’re calling their new campaign ‘Oprahsizing.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “By sheer coincidence, the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the Simpson trial’s count of nasty arguments between lawyers topped a record 4,000 on the same day.” (Bob Mills)

* “District Attorney Gil Garcetti says there will be a second trial if the first ends in a hung jury. That’s so L.A.: Start talking about a sequel before the original leaves the theater.” (Cutler)

* “Some legal experts say Johnnie Cochran has played the “race” card at the trial. That’s not true: He’s played the whole deck.” (Tony Peyser)

* “DNA tests have revealed that evidence collected by police was contaminated by doughnut crumbs.” (Brad Halpern)

* “How can you tell if your kid will become an L.A. cop when he grows up? He never wears his booties, but he can always find an extra glove if he needs one.” (Russ Myers)

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Agoura reader Pablo Solis’ son Danny, 6, told him the story of the midnight ride of Paul Revere. Solis explained to the boy that the predetermined signal that the British were coming involved the display of lantern: “One if by land, and two if by sea.” After a moment of silence, the boy asked:

“What if they were coming by air?”