LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the new 21-cent postcard rate: “Of course, there’s a grandfather clause. All cards mailed within the past five years will be delivered at the old rate.”

David Letterman, on California floods: “Gov. Wilson said that if the rainfall doesn’t stop some time this week, he’s going to cancel the brush-fire season.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the new CIA director nominee, who demanded a promise from the President that the job would be Cabinet level: “Do we really want a guy in charge of intelligence who hasn’t heard about Bill’s promises?”

Hamilton, on Cuban president Fidel Castro saying the U.S. embargo of Cuba victimizes women, children, the elderly and the sick: “Apparently, the GOP has gotten involved in U.S. foreign policy, too.”

Whittier reader Jerry Perisho, on The Newt having trouble giving birth to his new social plan: “Judging from the pain on his face, he must be experiencing contractions with America.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the man who allegedly killed a man who said he had a crush on him on “The Jenny Jones Show”: “He turned himself in on ‘Geraldo,’ will be arraigned on ‘Jerry Springer’ and plans to enter a plea on ‘Ricki Lake.’ ”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the President wanting Social Security to send everyone a statement showing how much they have put in and how much they’ll get out: “This way you can see that the odds are actually much better in Las Vegas.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the California Angels signing 46-year-old Lenny Randle as a replacement player: “He becomes the youngest free agent the Angels have signed in 15 years.”

Comic Bill Maher, on Brandeis University giving Barbra Streisand an honorary doctorate: “Wow . . . Streisand a doctor. And you thought you waited a long time to see her as a singer.”

Cutler, on the Academy Awards: “Norman the calf, who co-starred with Billy Crystal in ‘City Slickers,’ won’t be there this year. He’s guest of honor at a celebrity roast.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The big moment finally arrived in the trial. Detective Mark Fuhrman relentlessly cross-examined by F. Lee Bully.” (Morty Wright)

* “Bailey proved that the shovel in the Bronco was a pooper-scooper, and almost called Johnnie Cochran as an expert witness.” (Mills)

* “Rosa Lopez should be President Clinton’s nominee for CIA director: She speaks several languages, her hobby is spying on the neighbors, and if she’s ever captured she won’t give a straight answer.” (Jay Leno)

* “This is a great week for sports fans. We begin the road to the Final Four--the final four months of the Simpson trial.” (Russ Myers)

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While Torrance reader Jeri Flannigan baby-sat grandson Brian, 3, one morning, she explained that he could watch his television program until 9 a.m. “There is something special I want to watch then,” she told him. When the clock struck 9, Flannigan switched to the O.J. trial.

Responded Brian: “That’s the same movie my other grandma watches!”