LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Oliver Stone’s new movie saying President Nixon organized a death squad back in the 1970s: “They may still be around. So far, they’ve killed food stamps, health care and school lunches.”

Jay Leno, on the $1-million space shuttle experiment to see if frogs can reproduce in outer space: “Now this is really fair. We eliminate school lunch programs so we can let frogs join the Mile-High Club.”

Hamilton, on Carlos Salinas, the ex-president of Mexico shamed by a family connection to murders, moving to New York: “He feels very low. He just petitioned a court to change his name to Jeff Gillooly.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on yesterday’s Ides of March: “Historians tell us that if Caesar were alive today, he would not have been assassinated on the Senate steps. Brutus would have used his radio talk show.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Ollie North’s new radio show: “He declared that he’ll only speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Well, he never was much of a talker.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Realtor Kathleen Bell, an O.J. defense witness: “Defense attorneys get nervous every time she refers to her detailed story of meeting Mark Fuhrman as a fixer-upper .”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on charges that the former chairman of the nation’s largest charity looted funds and put his teen-age girlfriend on the payroll: “This may not be the American way, but it certainly appears to be the United Way.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the Tampa hospital that amputated the wrong leg of a man, then shut off the respirator on the wrong patient: “They really screwed up. The respirator guy’s insurance hadn’t even run out yet.”

Leno, on Holiday Inn announcing that it is creating a new line of no-frills hotels: “Haven’t they been testing this concept for some time now?”

Adds Ryan: “The only way you’ll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.;”

Comic Jenny Church says the NCCA basketball playoffs may be overblown: “Paying full price for a Clippers ticket-- that is March Madness.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Graceland opening Elvis’ kitchen to public tours for the first time: “In a grisly revelation, it turns out that the song “Hound Dog” was actually a recipe.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Oscars: “It’s official, Woody Allen won’t be at the Academy Awards on Monday. He wanted to go, but there were problems with his date. It’s a school night.”

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Agoura reader Christopher McGinley was showing son Evan, 7, the cities with NFL franchises on a map and asking him to name the teams. In light of the recent Rams move, McGinley pointed to east Missouri and said, “This is St. Louis and they have a team that used to be here.”

“I know that one,” Evan replied confidently. “It’s the St. Louis Obispos.”

Entry deadline for Laugh Lines’ picture caption contest is today at 5 p.m.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.