LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on a chicken pox vaccine that should be ready this spring: “That’s good news for kids. Bad news is, there’s still no cure for cooties.”

Comedian Booker Washington, on Michael Jordan wearing a new jersey number for the Chicago Bulls: “That’s not right. To me, he will always be known as ‘The Player Formerly Known as No. 23.’ ”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on today’s 72nd birthday of world-renowned mime Marcel Marceau: “He hopes to spend the day with family and friends, if only he can get out of his imaginary box.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on this week’s death anniversary of Pocahontas: “But thanks to the upcoming Disney movie, her memorabilia will live on forever.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the English crematory that wants to use it to heat a church on the premises: “I can just hear the pastor now: ‘Uncle Bill always brings back warm memories.’ ”

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It’s Pat: “Pat Buchanan declared his candidacy by insulting Jewish protesters and calling for a cultural war. What kind of campaign is this? His followers were all wearing buttons that read, Buchanan in ’36 .” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Other Republicans could be in for a rough campaign. When Pat joined the cast of CNN’s ‘Crossfire,’ he wanted to use real bullets.” (Bob Mills)

* “Pat wants the National Guard to patrol our borders to keep illegal immigrants out. That’s a good idea . . . we’ll have the safest borders in the world--eight weeks a year.” (Jay Leno)

* “Political pundits have described Pat Buchanan as ‘Newt Gingrich, without that Southern warmth and gentility.’ ” (Mills)

* “On Monday, Pat Buchanan threw his hood into the . . . “ (Leno)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Robert Shapiro had O.J. show his middle finger to the jury. Then he said, ‘While you’re at it, why don’t you show it to Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden, too.’ ” (Leno)

* “What a surprise. O.J. wasn’t expected to show jurors that finger until after the verdict.” (Hamilton)

* “Those poor jurors. O.J. gives them the finger one day and, next day, Judge Ito gives them the thumb.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Detective Phil Vannatter said that, except for the cut, O.J.’s middle finger looks the same as any other during rush-hour traffic.” (Brad Halpern)

* “O.J.’s middle finger was cut, swollen and bruised. In fact, if he was a cab driver, it would be a career-ending injury.” (Leno)

* “F. Lee Bailey also did show and tell. After the ridicule he got for his tactics last week, he let jurors examine his bruised, swollen ego.” (Tony Peyser)

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Whittier reader Frank Nunez was teaching daughter Jaclyn, 8, how to make pancakes. Nunez reminded her about reading instructions, gathering ingredients and the mixing process. When he was finished, Jaclyn replied:

“But Dad, I can work the VCR!”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.