When They Say Big Bill, They Don’t Mean Walton

Final Four Scouting Report:

IDENTITY OF ARKANSAS FAN WEARING PLASTIC HOG MASK AND YELLING ‘SOOOO-EEEE!’

Bill (Big Country) Clinton.

SECRET WEAPON THAT COULD WIN IT FOR NORTH CAROLINA

Michael Jordan has been known to make comebacks.

BIGGEST DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BIG AND FOREIGN COUNTRIES

UCLA center George (Foreign Country) Zidek is originally from Prague, the Czech Republic, population large, and now lives in Los Angeles, population larger. He has lived through revolution, riot, earthquake, wind and fire.

Oklahoma State center Bryant (Big Country) Reeves is from Gans, Okla., where everyone this weekend will be discussing three things: 1. “Let’s go watch the game at the Reeves’ place! They’ve got CBS!” 2. “This picante sauce is no good! It’s from New York City!” 3. “The NCAA tournament is like a box of chocolates.”

2 AMATEUR BASKETBALL TEAMS FROM L.A. THAT PROBABLY CAN BEAT OKLAHOMA STATE

UCLA and the Clippers.

YET ANOTHER REASON TO TAKE UCLA OVER OKLAHOMA STATE

John Wooden over Henry Iba. Ha, ha. Our legend is more legendary than their legend.

WHY HOLLYWOOD IS WATCHING THESE GAMES VERY CAREFULLY

Producers have been known to cast UCLA basketball stars in movies and TV shows.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was co-pilot in “Airplane!” and made another film in which he kicked Bruce Lee many times in the face. Marques Johnson played a crook in “White Men Can’t Jump” and a coach in “Blue Chips.” Michael Warren played a cop on “Hill Street Blues” and Denny Miller played Tarzan.

Reggie Miller, to our knowledge, has made no movies. But he has made choke signs at the guy who made “Malcolm X.”

CLINT EASTWOOD IN WESTWOOD, STARRING AS ‘DIRTY HARRICK’

Jim Harrick of UCLA put on a tuxedo and went to Monday night’s Academy Awards, where he was last seen admiring Jennifer Tilly’s dress and waiting for Martin Landau to finish talking.

Eddie Sutton of Oklahoma State was not spotted attending the Oscars, but may have had some previous commitment at a rodeo or 4-H show.

ALCINDOR! WALTON! AND UCLA’S NEW SUPERSTAR . . . UH . . . ZIPLOCK?

On Jim Rome’s radio show Tuesday, Coach Bob Huggins of the University of Cincinnati said he likes the play of UCLA’s senior center, “George what’s his name . . . ZY-dek? Zee-duck?”

FIVE SIMPLE RULES BRUINS MUST OBSERVE TO WIN TITLE

1. Find Stillwater on a map. It can’t be more than 24 hours from Tulsa.

2. Ask UCLA cheerleaders to distract Big Country Reeves with city-girl sophistication and charm.

3. Use a 0-0-5 zone defense until Oklahoma State proves it has four more players.

4. If UCLA’s opponent Monday night is North Carolina, wear special infrared goggles to tell their powder blue from our powder blue.

5. Advise Mr. Clinton that if he pulls for Arkansas in championship game, we, the people of California, will have two words to say to him: Robert Dole!

FIRST THING HARRICK SHOULD TELL HIS PLAYERS IF UCLA HAS NO MORE TIMEOUTS

“Don’t call a timeout.”

SURE WAY FOR UCLA TO WIN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, EVEN IF TEAM TRAILS BY A POINT WITH 0.00001 OF A SECOND LEFT

Give the ball to Tyus Edney.