LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on former United Way chairman William Aramony illegally spending $600,000 of its money: “Why is it when a charity head takes money intended for the poor and blows it on himself and rich friends it’s called fraud, but when Newt Gingrich wants to do the same thing, it’s called ‘contract with America?’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Ringling Bros. circus on Capitol Hill hosted by Republicans: “Elephants marched in step together and posed for TV cameras. Then, they adjourned and went outside to enjoy the circus.”

Adds comedy writer Alex Pearlstein: “The performers weren’t expected. They misunderstood the GOP’s new campaign slogan, “Send in the Clowns.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the St. Louis mail carrier arrested for hoarding 13,000 undelivered letters at his residence: “Police say they’ve never seen anything like it--a postal employee taking work home with him.”

Ray, on the reelection of Richard Daley as mayor of Chicago: “You don’t see any under-the-table, money-in-the-envelope vote buying as was customary during his father’s tenure. In the ‘90s, they have direct deposit.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the study revealing that U.S. teen-agers bet between $500 million and $1 billion annually: “The problem came to light when students disciplined for kneeling in prayer were actually shooting craps.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The note attached to the recent pipe bomb said the bomber feared cross-dresser William Beckingham would wear something strapless to court.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “The trial of the century, and they shoot a Bud Light commercial.” (Paul Ecker)

* “The whole thing was quite revealing. It was a side we hadn’t seen of F. Lee Bailey.” (Michael Connor)

* “Well, everyone said the scientific phase would be a drag.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

- “Judge Ito has the first jury box in history with a turnstile.” (Mills)

* “Senator Al D’Amato tried to be funny by mocking Ito by using an insulting accent. Hey Al, how does it feel to do a routine that even Jerry Lewis gave up in the ‘60s? (Gary Easley)

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Baseball news: “About 48% of fans are disgusted with players, 40% are disgusted with owners and 12% are disgusted by Tommy Lasorda’s use of spandex.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “If you thought replacement players were fat, what are replacement umpires gonna look like? Blind and 500 pounds?” (Jay Leno)

* “Fans are less interested this year, thanks to the strike. As a result, baseball fever has officially been downgraded to a low-grade infection.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Locals are happy the Dodgers and Angels will get their regular guys back. They’re also happy to get their regular UPS guys back.” (Gary Moore/93.1 FM)

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Glendale reader Helen Stafford introduced her kindergarten class to the Pledge of Allegiance, then asked students to name their noble country. California, Lakeview Terrace and L.A. were a few wrong guesses. After Stafford asked a second time, a girl in the back of the class said:

“It’s Marlboro country!”