LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the annual Easter egg hunt in the Rose Garden: “The White House had laid a bunch of eggs there. Health care, immigration, deficit reduction, foreign policy. . . .”

* Adds comedy writer Alex Pearlstein: “The kids didn’t find any eggs. But they did collect 15 shotgun shells and a rudder.”

Jay Leno, on Sen. Alfonse D’Amato’s heart examination: “His heart checked out OK. But here’s my question: What hospital department checks a Republican’s heart? I guess that would be microsurgery.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the flat-tax proposal, which would help mainly people making more than $200,000 each year: “I guess this is the GOP’s way of pulling rich people up by their Gucci bootstraps.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Republican crime bill: “President Clinton says it must be worded just right. It has to be tough enough to jail criminals, but lenient enough for his Cabinet to go free.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on why Chrysler rejected a $22-billion buyout offer: “Lee Iacocca and Kirk Kerkorian demanded 2.9% financing.”

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Sports: Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the St. Louis Rams: “Vendors here are wondering what to do with their excess L.A. Rams jackets, pennants and paper bags with eyeholes.”

Adds Leno: “This has got to be exciting for the folks in St. Louis. One day you have no NFL team at all and the next day you’re in last place.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the lockout of umpires: “They had to cancel picketing this weekend in West Palm Beach when their seeing-eye dogs began fighting among themselves.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the exhibition baseball season: “About the only thing the players should be exhibiting now is shame and repentance.”

Cutler, on the President throwing out the first pitch: “While generally considered more a basketball fan, he is also known for his appreciation of curves.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Dennis Fung participated in the county employees’ Easter egg hunt Sunday. He managed to find three, but accidentally stepped on one, mislabeled another and left the third out all night, so it was inedible.” (Mills)

* “Fung didn’t need a redirect. He needed a resurrection.” (Cutler)

* “Violence was inevitable. Three jurors are postal workers.” (Jenny Church)

* “O.J. didn’t have to worry about income taxes this year. With five lawyers and Kato as dependents, he’s looking at the Mother of All Refunds.” (Hamilton)

* “Kato got his 1040 form all messed up. Under dependent, he put Yes .” (Ray)

* “The new Pauly Shore movie, ‘Jury Duty,’ opened this weekend. It’s a lot like the real O.J. case, but without the humor.” (Kevin S. Healey)

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While Costa Mesa reader Janet Millian was preparing dinner one evening, daughter Carley, 4, played puppet theater. During a wedding ceremony, Millian overheard a question posed to the groom:

“Do you take this woman to be your awful wedded wife?”