LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton’s news conference to review his Administration’s recent accomplishments: “That would pretty much be this weekend’s White House Easter egg hunt, wouldn’t it?”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the re-enactment of the 1775 Battle of Concord: “Who on Earth convinced the British they could put down a 1,200-mile-long revolution with an overseas army? Just how old is Robert McNamara?”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on quarterback Joe Montana calling it quits: “He said he’d been getting some subtle hints. He had the only seat on the bench with guardrails, and his jersey had been retired--by AARP.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the inquiry of D.C. Mayor Marion Barry’s taxes: “Smoking crack is not deductible as entertainment expense.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on the Greensburg, Pa., women banned by a Catholic church for praying too loudly: “Their screaming has apparently gotten so loud, they have been asked to open for Metallica.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on word that the killer bees may have gotten as far north as Palm Springs: “Scientists don’t think they can survive there--not at those prices.”

Leno, on Michael Jackson hosting 46 kids from 17 nations for a three-day conference at Neverland: “I think it’s the 17 countries we don’t have extradition treaties with.”

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Seven Come 11: Studies show teens may be wagering $1 billion a year. Here are some danger signs, according to Mills, that your teen-ager may have a gambling problem:

* His favorite expression is: “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

* When you ask if he wants a second helping, he says, “Hit me!”

* Yearbook photo shows her being handed a check in front of a row of slots.

* His report card is printed on the back of a Keno ticket.

* After two years of French, she only knows one word: baccarat.

* He’s submitted his application to only one college: UNLV.

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Cirque du O.J.: “To give you an idea how long Dennis Fung was on the stand, when he finished, Judge Lance Ito not only thanked him, he gave him a gold watch.” (Leno)

* “Fung spent more time on ‘The Stand’ than Stephen King.” (Cutler)

* “Defense lawyers were concerned after Fung walked over and shook their hands. They’re afraid he may have contaminated all the bad blood they have spread throughout the courtroom.” (Hamilton)

* “Scheck Happens.” (Johanna Hawkins)

* “Have you noticed that Judge Ito seems a little testy, a little irritable, a little tense. I think it’s time someone arranged a conjugal visit.” (Leno)

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Santa Paula reader Ruth Goldmann’s daughter brought her son Steve, 6, over to Goldmann’s house for a visit. When he went out the door to play, Goldmann reminded the boy to be good. He hesitated a moment, then said:

“It isn’t easy being a good boy, especially when it’s the first time you try.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.