Finding the Perfect Candidate

A month in a ‘90s job search, high school style . . .

APRIL 1--Eddie (Big Broom) Johansen was named head custodian at Head For The Hills High, school officials announced today. His name will be submitted to the Big Valley district board of education for approval. “A mere formality,” one school official said.

APRIL 4--Johansen was fired as head custodian at Head For The Hills High, 37 seconds after the Big Valley district board of education approved his hiring. Parents from the school had complained after seeing Johansen wearing a maroon shirt. Head For The Hills’ colors are, of course, purple.

APRIL 5--Head For The Hills High officials will begin accepting applications for head custodian again today, the fifth time in the past month the job has been reopened. Officials said the interview process has been adjusted to provide more input from the students, parents and some guy named Mort.

APRIL 10--Head For The Hills High officials opened interviews today to fill the head custodian job. Whitney Houston sang the national anthem. Applicants had to rub their tummies and pat their heads for the freshman class. Future interview committees will judge grooming, punctuation, bathing suits and just how well applicants mow the principal’s lawn.

APRIL 16--Head For The Hills High officials suspended interviews for a head custodian today when no hoop could be found to conduct further questioning. Applicants were asked to Simoniz boosters’ cars while they waited.

APRIL 17--Kristi Yamaguchi won the talent portion of the Head For The Hills High head custodian search. Officials were impressed by her skating routine, done to the school’s fight song.

APRIL 20--No one was interviewed for the Head For The Hills High head custodian job today. Applicants, however, showed up anyway.

APRIL 22--Members of the “I Once Was the Head For The Hills High Head Custodian” club held their annual meeting today to reminisce. Johansen was honored for having the job the longest. Club officials are said to have high hopes of increasing membership.

APRIL 23--Big Valley District Supt. Al Hart made it clear today that a Head For The Hills High head custodian would be named . . . sometime . . . soon . . . really. Hart said he had no idea where the hiring process was at the moment, but that district officials were working with the school on the decision. Head For The Hills High officials concurred. “If Supt. Hart says so, then it is so,” one school official said.

APRIL 28--Johansen was awarded the Nobel peace prize today. In his acceptance speech, Johansen credited Head For The Hills High officials for showing him how to turn the other cheek. That cheek, too, was slapped, according to Johansen.

APRIL 29--Yamaguchi withdrew her name from the Head For The Hills High head custodian interviews today after learning the school walkways were lined with cement, not ice. Hart said he was unaware of Yamaguchi’s announcement, but said district officials were working with the school on the decision.

APRIL 3O--Hart announced that Head For The Hills High had hired a new head custodian. But he declined to name the person. Hart said district officials were working with the school on the decision. None of the 327 applicants said they have been contacted. All plan to show up for work tomorrow.

MAY 1--Head For The Hills High officials began interviews for a new head football coach today. The job is expected to be filled--at least once--before the end of the century.

Yes, this century.