LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Gubernatorial goof: “Gov. Pete Wilson’s former housekeeper was an undocumented worker, but Wilson claims he checked her papers. Apparently, it was to verify she was a Republican.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Aides say he let the woman go after she promised to work for four years and then threatened to quit after only two.” (Bob Mills)

* “Wilson, still recovering from throat surgery, arranged for his wife, Gayle, to speak in New York, but she’s speechless now too.” (Tony Peyser)

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In the news: Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the prostitution strike in Carson City: “There is confusion and anger, because some of the hookers thought a salary cap was a form of birth control.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the U.S. Army’s decision to give Adolf Hitler’s alpine hideaway back to the Germans: “American officers have enjoyed skiing there for the last 50 years. They wanted to be in top shape in case bad taste ever became an Olympic event.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the 4,000-year-old pyramid recently excavated in Egypt: “Archeologists now know the reason for its obscurity. It was originally listed through Century 21.”

Adds comic Jenny Church: “Hieroglyphics mention Pharaoh Pepi the First. They knew the find was genuine when they spotted the inscription ‘You Got the Right One, Baby . . . uh huh.’ ”

Church, on the switch of several county beaches to state control: “At the change-of-command ceremony, participants stood on the beach and sang the theme from ‘Baywatch’ while thong sunbathers offered a 21-bun salute.”

Healey, on the Rhode Island zoo using a computer dating service to pair up 200 monkeys: “One application requests the following criteria: ‘Wanted: Single, hard-working monkey with bright purple buttocks and late model vine.’ ”

Reader Kenny Chisholm, on how Nevada officials are cracking down on underage gamblers in their casinos: “As a result, Michael Jackson has now canceled construction plans for his new Barney casino.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Judge Ito grew impatient with defense attorney Robert Blasier’s cross-examination of crime lab chemist Gregory Matheson. It was so boring that people were switching to CBS.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “Ito met with each juror, advising them to be more animated and to smile more. After all, it’s sweeps season.” (Brad Halpern)

* “The prosecution says O.J. has a rare type of blood. The defense agrees it’s unusual. It only shows up in places where it hasn’t been.” (Cutler)

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While reading to her granddaughter, Hannah Kramer of San Diego realized the story she’d selected was more complicated than she originally anticipated. In order to clarify, she frequently stopped to flesh out certain points. Finally, in an exasperated tone, the little girl said:

“Could you please read to me without interrupting yourself?”