LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on American cyclist Lance Armstrong winning the 1995 Tour Dupont: “Observers say he was lapped three times by Newt Gingrich and Bob Dole, who were backpedaling on Medicare.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton and Prime Minister John Major in Russia for two 50th-anniversary celebrations: “May 9th was the surrender of the German army. May 10th was the divvying up of German rocket scientists.”

Hamilton, on a report that baby boomers will need $1 million to retire in the style to which they have become accustomed: “This is grim. Our parents will have to work until they’re 100 to give us that kind of money.”

Comedy writer Bruce Bellingham, on a study that shows people who drink three to five glasses of wine daily live longer than those who don’t drink: “Well, maybe they don’t live longer. They just can’t remember their birthdays.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on the sale of the rare Picasso portrait, “The Absinthe Drinker,” for $29 million at an auction Monday: “No one knows what the winning bidder was drinking.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on this week’s National Cable Television Assn. convention in Dallas: “Several local hotels were forced to cancel reservations after hundreds of delegates failed to show up as promised.”

Mills, on last weekend’s 5.0 aftershock near Palm Springs: “There was one injury reported. A wealthy matron suffered an anxiety attack after the shaking stopped when she found herself shopping at Target.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on Michael Jackson negotiating for an HBO concert: “If the HBO deal falls through, there’s always Court TV.”

Jay Leno, on Robert Shapiro’s extra-legal activities: “Last week they showed him in the front row of a Lakers game. This week he jets off to Vegas for a championship fight. And I’m wondering: Just where does he get that kind of money?”

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Cirque du DNA: “DNA expert Robin Cotton made a teacher-like presentation in court. Irritated by Johnnie Cochran’s constant whispering, she made him go sit in a corner.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “While Cotton was lecturing on DNA, O.J. had a flashback to his USC days. ‘This class sucks,’ he whispered to Robert Shapiro. ‘You take notes, I’m going to practice.’ ” (Tony Peyser)

* “Prosecutor George Clarke asked expert witness Cotton how DNA degrades. If anyone, a lawyer should be the expert on degradation.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The Simpson trial effect: By the end, we’ll know everything there is to know about DNA, but still won’t be able to program the VCR.” (Cutler)

* “Marcia Clark is dating film exec Alan Greisman. They lead different lives. One is involved in a comedy farce. The other is making a movie.” (Alan Ray)

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Long Beach reader Julie Averill was helping daughter Claire, 9, with her homework as her grandfather looked on. “You know,” Averill told Claire, “your grandpa is a very brilliant man.” When grandpa left the room, Claire leaned over and whispered to her mom:

“Grandma doesn’t think of him that way. She says he’s a damn idiot.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.