LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on U.S. trade sanctions against Japan: “The Japanese have responded to White House pressure to open their markets to U.S. products by buying three congressmen and a senator.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the V-E Day ceremonies in Paris: “French veterans marched down the Champs Elysees, then, suddenly, broke into a sprint. Seems somebody in the crowd yelled that the Germans were coming.”
Hamilton, on Clinton standing alongside Lenin’s Tomb, saluting Stalin’s Red Army veterans during a Russian parade: “The GOP can’t believe its luck. It’s nice when all your 1996 campaign commercials are being shot by CNN for free.”
* Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “Later, at a state dinner, Clinton drew gasps when he sent his borscht back to the kitchen, complaining it had gotten cold.”
Comedy writer Russ Myers, on Clinton having difficulty making small talk with WWII vets: “He kept asking them if they were upper or lower GIs.”
Jay Leno, on Gov. Pete’s illegal immigrant maid scandal: “His defense is he never met her and, if he did, he doesn’t remember her, can’t even recall her name. Political experts call this ‘the Clinton Defense.’ ”
Leno, on the Royal Couple: “Did you see them on the news? She sits there ignoring him, he pretends he likes her. And you know they are sneaking off and sleeping with other people. But enough about Dan Rather and Connie Chung.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a federal judge ruling it’s unconstitutional for the city of Berkeley to outlaw beggars: “But he did remind the plaintiffs that they can’t be choosers.”
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Vlade Divac missing two free throws Monday night to cost the Lakers a playoff victory against San Antonio: “On Tuesday, the Lakers named Dr. Heimlich as its new team physician.”
Comic Jenny Church, on the death of the Topanga Canyon man who championed nudism and founded Elysium Institute: “Friends filed by the casket and said he looked so au naturel . Later, they laid a lovely fig leaf at his grave.”
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Cirque du DNA: “Judging by the faces of the defense team since the arrival of Robin Cotton, they’d have preferred polyester.” (Mills)
* “Robert Shapiro claims the coroner’s office is price gouging by charging the defense $85 for a $5 slide of evidence. Which means he can only charge O.J. $150 for it.” (Leno)
* “A slew of experts will testify during the DNA phase, including Steven Spielberg. He has expertise in creating big-budget productions based solely on DNA, and has shown the ability to work well with reptiles.” (Leslie Coogan)
* “Mark Fuhrman is suing New Yorker magazine, claiming it libeled him by printing accusations that he’s a racist who planted the glove at O.J.’s estate. He says the article subjected him to ridicule, hostility and endless requests for campaign donations from Pat Buchanan.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)
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Rialto reader Catalina Arca’s son Jeremy, 10, asked his cousin Dorothy, who works at a Kaiser Permanente hospital, how she liked “taking care of dead people.” Dorothy was surprised and wanted to know who told him she did that.
Replied Jeremy: “My mom says you work the graveyard shift.”
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.
