LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Gov. Pete asking that bond dealers doing business with the state be allowed to contribute to his presidential campaign fund: “Interestingly, analysts say the only thing more worthless than a Wilson campaign promise is a California municipal bond.”

Perisho, on a state Assembly committee defeating a bill to allow breast feeding in public: “Apparently, Assembly members are lactose-intolerant.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the advance screening of “Waterworld” in Sacramento: “It had to be delayed. Told they were to see an overbudget fiasco, most of the test audience showed up at the Capitol by mistake.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the Republican budget, which will shift power and money from Washington to state/local governments: “I don’t know what’s worse: corrupt national politicians wasting our money, or inept local ones?”

* Adds comic Argus Hamilton: “The GOP plan cuts spending, balances the budget and doesn’t touch Social Security. They should send this plan straight to Las Vegas. Illusion acts are the hottest thing in town right now.”

Jay Leno, on Presidents Bill and Bo trying to find some common ground at their summit meeting: “Now what do you think common ground between Clinton and Yeltsin might be? Maybe a McDonald’s with a liquor license?”

Leno, on Allstate wanting to raise Florida property insurance rates by 65%, because of hurricane fears: “It sounds like the good hands people are down to about one finger now.”

Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on a computerized Monopoly game coming to the Internet, where multiple players from around the world can compete simultaneously: “One rule change: Your ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards come from Amnesty International.”

Sure-fire campaign slogans for Farley D. Kaynine, the canine candidate for mayor of Sunland, from comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* Down with corruption, up with toilet seats.

* Finally, a candidate that really likes trees.

* Fewer taxes, more hydrants.

* Come on now . . . it’s not like you’re voting for Sonny Bono.

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Cirque du O.J.: “Robin Cotton’s lab analysis was bittersweet to O.J. While his DNA was identified at several telltale locations, his cholesterol count is only 152.” (Bob Mills)

* “O.J. got some good news. A manager at Ralphs confirmed his DNA profile matches the bar code on Nabisco ‘Guilt Free’ Snack Well cookies.” (Mills)

* “After Cotton disclosed her blood findings in court, you could hear Johnnie Cochran humming ‘Oklahoma.’ ” (Wayne E. Scott)

* “The O.J. condoms they’re selling outside the courthouse come with a 100% no-guilt guarantee. Even if the condom breaks and the DNA points to you as the father, Cochran will blame it on the police.” (Healey)

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Highland reader Francis Ballash’s great-nephew Collin, 6, got into a tiff with his mom. After sitting quietly a few moments, Collin turned to her and said:

“Where did you go to learn to be a mother?”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.