THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Number? What (Ratings) Numbers?

Wouldn’t it be great to have been a fly on the wall at the swank NBA offices in Manhattan last week for that meeting to discuss those great issues of the day, Michael Jordan’s uniform number and the color of his sneakers?

With some intrepid reporting, or imagining, we have come up with a transcript.

Commissioner: Sorry I’m late, underlings, my limo was caught in traffic. What’s the trouble?

V.P./Operations: We’re having some problems with Michael.

Commissioner: Don’t tell me he quit again!

V.P./Operations: No, nothing like that.

Commissioner: Don’t scare me like that! OK, what is it this time?

V.P./Operations: He just changed his uniform number back to 23.

Commissioner: You had me drive through cross-town traffic to tell me that? Have you seen our TV ratings for this series? Mike’s a great artist. Why should he be restricted to one number?

V.P./Operations: There’s a league rule against it. He didn’t ask permission. It just isn’t right. Shaquille O’Neal asked us a couple of weeks ago if he could change to No. 33 and we turned him down.

Commissioner: Like I care. OK, we’ll announce we’ve formed a committee to study the problem and we’ll have a decision by August.

V.P./Marketing: No good, sir. Our T-shirt licensee stands to eat 100,000 of the old ones with No. 45 on them.

Commissioner: I see the problem. OK, fine the Bulls $25,000 and make Michael promise never to do it again.

V.P./Operations: But, sir, he says he’s wearing 23 from now on.

Commissioner: Why does he do these things to me? OK, announce that we’ll take further action but not until the season ends and we won’t discuss it again because it’s taking attention away from these great playoffs, etc. And keep my name off the release! One of you can be Scrooge. OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way. . . .

V.P./Operations: Uh, there’s another thing. . . .

Commissioner: What now? I don’t want to hear anything about casinos or golf bets. That’s his business.

V.P./Operations: No, sir, he’s also been wearing different color shoes than his teammates.

Commissioner: What is it with you guys? I don’t care if he wears a saffron robe and sandals!

V.P./Operations: But, sir, we have a rule everyone has to wear the same color. The Bulls are wearing black, and then Michael comes out with these new white Nikes with shiny black patent leather trim that stand out like Dorothy’s shoes in “The Wizard of Oz.”

Commissioner: I’ve got it; we’ll say we haven’t noticed.

V.P./Publicity: But, sir, everyone’s already running around saying Michael gets favored treatment from the league and the referees.

Commissioner: He absolutely doesn’t get favored treatment. Anyone else who can get us a 13 rating and a 20 share can pick out his own shoes too.

V.P./Publicity: No good, sir. People are saying there’s a conspiracy to get Michael into the finals, and it doesn’t look good if everyone knows we’re letting him get away with stuff.

Commissioner: Who said that?

V.P./Publicity: Alonzo Mourning, for one.

Commissioner: Anyone more lucid than that?

V.P./Publicity: A lot of sportswriters are joking about it, saying stuff like Oliver Stone is going to direct this year’s highlight film.

Commissioner: Anyone more lucid than that?

V.P./Publicity: One of the NBC producers called over. They say with everyone talking about conspiracies, they have to do a piece to cover their rear ends.

Commissioner: They know as well as I do there’s no conspiracy. If there was, I wouldn’t have to get down on my knees and pray 10 times a day that Mike makes the finals. Who’s doing their piece, not one of their hard-boiled news people?

V.P./Publicity: Ahmad Rashad.

Commissioner: Love that network. OK, fine Mike $5,000 and get him to promise never to do it again. And wish him good luck from me.

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF RILEY

One thing you have to say about the New York Knicks, they may play a lot of dull basketball, but there’s never a dull moment.

Take their series against the Indiana Pacers.

Game 1-- Reggie Miller scored eight points in the last 17 seconds as the Pacers wipe out a six-point deficit and win. Reggie says John Starks “choked” by missing two free throws and calls the Knicks “choke artists” on the way to the dressing room.

Falling on the home team in defeat with the usual glee, the New York Daily News and Post carry “Choke Artist” headlines the next day.

Game 2-- Reggie scores 10 points as the Pacers lose. Says Pacer Coach Larry Brown: “You know, Reggie says some things and you guys write it but you don’t know Reggie like I know him. What he said bit him in the rear end.”

No kidding.

Rallying around the home team in victory with the usual glee, the News and Post each run “Choke on This” headlines (you think these guys aren’t spying on each other?)

Game 3-- The series shifts to Indianapolis where the Pacers tie the score with an 11-1 run at the end of regulation, then win in overtime. Patrick Ewing, whose legs are wrapped like a mummy’s, has been outscored by Rik Smits, 65-37, through three games. Ewing says the referees have a “vendetta” against him, even if it looks like the only one out to get Patrick is Father Time. A day later, Knick Coach Pat Riley says it was “unconscionable” to foul out a player of Ewing’s caliber.

Game 4-- The Knicks fall again, and now they’re down, 3-1. At least, they’re going home, but they better not read the newspapers.

DEATH RATTLE IN SEATTLE

If it’s springtime, the Seattle SuperSonics must be imploding. Here are the high points after their loss to the Lakers.

Wise old Nate McMillan resigned his captaincy, saying it’s time for the young players to lead, decrying the level of selfishness.

“Sometimes minutes are important,” said McMillan. “Sometimes points are important. The all-star team is important. Team comes last.”

Said teammate Vince Askew: “It hurts a lot if some of your main people are individualistic.”

Several teammates joined in, including Detlef Schrempf. Everyone knew they were talking about Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton, who continued coming late for games and practices and were seen partying into the wee hours in Los Angeles.

Payton called teammates’ criticism “stupid.”

“They’re doing what everybody wants them to do.” he said. “Now this is going to take off.”

Back home, Coach George Karl conceded his agent, Warren LeGarie, might have been checking out other coaching jobs but insisted it hadn’t been at Karl’s direction. Karl says he has never paid LeGarie and tells him to butt out but can’t control him.

“What else can I do to him?” Karl said. “He’s my friend.”

Speculation continues that Karl will rejoin General Manager Bob Whitsitt in Portland, even if it’s not right away. Whitsitt is obliged to bring back P.J. Carlesimo, who was personally hired by owner Paul Allen. Aside from that, prospects appear bright for the SuperSonics next season.

FACES AND FIGURES

San Antonio’s Avery Johnson set a goal for the Spurs to go 15-3 in the playoffs, which means they’d better not dally any more against the Lakers. When asked about it, Johnson said, “How did that leak out?” . . . That was as much as he’d say and more than teammates were comfortable with. “You’d have to ask Avery,” J.R. Reid said. “That’s Avery’s goal. It would be nice to accomplish that, but that doesn’t mean we’ve set our sights on that.” . . . Sun Coach Paul Westphal on the bromide that says the hot team at the end of the regular season will do well in the playoffs: “You’ve got to be playing your best basketball in the playoffs. The week before the playoffs isn’t the playoffs, any more than the exhibition season is the regular season.”

So much for Blazermania: The Portland Trail Blazers won’t re-sign Terry Porter, Mark Bryant and James Edwards. “I guess all good things must come to an end,” Porter said. “I said when Clyde (Drexler) got traded, that was the first piece of the puzzle. Now the Coliseum is closing and that’s the next piece. It’s the end of an era for everyone.” . . . Whitsitt hopes to turn the Trail Blazers around without tearing them down, as he did with the SuperSonics, and is casting about for creative alternatives. One is trying to sign 7-foot-3 Lithuanian star Arvidas Sabonis, 31, whom they drafted in 1987. . . . While the Golden State Warriors hid the hiring of former Charlotte Hornet personnel director Dave Twardzik, owner Cris Cohan gave it away, blurting the news to a radio talk show host who had been ripping him on the air. Cohan insisted he was not a blundering fool, as so many have charged, adding: “And, oh, by the way, Dave Twardzik is our guy. We’re having a press conference for him on Friday.” The embarrassed Warrior front office then issued a release, announcing Twardzik’s hiring.

Continuing education of M.L. Carr: During the series against Orlando, the Celtic general manager actually led cheers with his famous towel. When the crowd started chanting “Larry! Larry!” Carr stood up, held his arms up for quiet, then pointed to the huddle, telling the fans these were the players they should be cheering for. Someone has to tell him a general manager has more important things to do. . . . Sun center Joe Kleine on the CD by teammate Wayman Tisdale’s band, the Fifth Quarter: “You can find it in all music stores right next to ABBA’s greatest hits.”