LAUGH LINES : Jokes

M is for . . . “AT&T; says 122.5 million calls were placed on Mother’s Day: 100 million to moms, 22 million to grandmothers and half a million to something called 1-900-HOT-MAMA.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “On Sunday, the Simpson Dream Team paid tribute to the Mother of All Alibis.” (Jenny Church)

* “President Clinton just got candy for Hillary. You know she’s had enough of Flowers.” (Cutler Comedy Rock Network)

* “Famous last words to a mother: ‘Don’t worry, Mrs. Kaelin. Dropping him on his head won’t cause any lasting damage.’ ” (Cutler)

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In the news: Jay Leno, on Gennifer Flowers’ book, in which she says the President’s favorite fantasy was being tied up: “Nobody believes that. Everybody knows Clinton’s favorite fantasy is being a two-term President.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Senate Republicans proposing to cut Amtrak funding: “Democrats hope to derail the bill, so they’ve scheduled it on a New York to Florida train.”

Riverside reader Leonard Nathanson, on presidential candidate and congressman Bob Dornan’s fund-raisers: “To maximize revenue, the cost for a ticket has been lowered to just $50 to get in--and raised to $500 to get out.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on dietitians saying the perfect diet includes garlic, onions and beans: “Sure it’s perfect--if you live alone.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Robin Cotton said DNA tests show there’s only one chance in 934 billion that the Dream Team really thinks O.J. is innocent.” (Tony Peyser)

* “It’s not surprising the Dream Team remains unimpressed by irrefutable statistical evidence. After all, what were their chances of having a defendant with $10 million handed to them on a silver platter?” (Bob Mills)

* “Johnnie Cochran still claims O.J. is innocent, that a South American drug dealer did it. Now he’s looking for that Juan in 170 million.” (Church)

* “What stunned and saddened the jurors was not the odds of 1 in 170 million. It was the prospect of the defense calling all 170 million as witnesses.” (Church)

* “Cochran is suing a fertilizer company for negligence in the Oklahoma bombing. He may be the star witness. Watching him work for the last five months, nobody doubts his expertise in fertilizer.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Judge Lance Ito’s fine really had a serious effect on the lawyers. Defense lawyer Peter Neufeld was left with only $600 in his wallet, while Deputy DA George Clarke had to sell his car.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Robert Kardashian won’t have to take the witness stand or a lie detector test. Being a lawyer, taking a lie detector test would violate his civil rights, and the lie detector’s warranty.” (Leno)

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Covina reader John Catanzaro was watching TV while wife Judy and granddaughter Brittany, 4, were painting their nails. When Catanzaro told his wife, “This show stinks!” his granddaughter corrected him:

“No, Grandpa. It’s the nail polish.”