LAUGH LINES

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Sunday’s Indy 500: “At the finish line, there was Madonna, waving a checkered past.”

* Adds Cutler Rock Comedy Network: “They say these are the best drivers in the world. Sure. Let’s see ‘em drive while applying makeup.”

Comedy writer Bill Williams, on LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams saying, “I am not a liar”: “He’d better be careful. That’s the way to end up with your face on a postage stamp.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the U.S. Senate statue of former Vice President Spiro Agnew: “Inscribed beneath his bust are the words of his favorite Latin phrase: Nolo contendere! “

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Joey Buttafuoco’s Hollywood arrest for allegedly soliciting a prostitute: “He said it was all a misunderstanding. Apparently, he mistook the vice squad officer for a junior high student.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Heidi Fleiss’ prison sentence: “She says she is appealing. I don’t think so, but you should see some of her girls.”

Cutler, on Mr. and Mrs. Michael Jackson’s anniversary: “Yep, they made it a year. Suddenly, O.J.’s 1-in-170-million doesn’t seem like such a long shot.”

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He Ain’t Heavy: A new genetic study says all men have a common ancestor who lived 200,000-300,000 years ago:

* “Remarkably, the research revealed that every time he became lost, he refused to ask for directions.” (Narda Zacchino)

* “Researchers also claim to have proven that even way back then, he left the toilet seat up.” (Steve Hagey)

* “Scientists are calling the species Steevus Garvious .” (Church)

* “The good news is that all humans come from the same gene pool. The bad news is, we’re all related to the Gabor sisters.” (Vince Vieceli)

* “And you thought you had problems with unannounced relatives just dropping in before .” (Bob Mills)

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Cirque du O.J.: “The jury is shrinking so fast that Jenny Craig is lobbying to become a sponsor.” (Brad Halpern)

* “The jury isn’t a pool anymore. It’s a puddle.” (Tony Peyser)

* “No. 353 is now known only as juror du jour .” (Morty Wright)

* “The juror was reportedly dismissed for having a book deal. Judge Lance Ito became suspicious when she asked him to write an introduction but wouldn’t say what for.” (Peyser)

* “I’m not saying Barry Scheck was anxious to cross-examine Collin Yamauchi, but he was the only lawyer in the courtroom with a drool bib.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “This trial can’t go on much longer. Rumor has it that Scheck’s grandfather wants his suit back.” (Fred Stemrich)

* “Kato Kaelin is contemplating his own line of sports clothing. He had the perfect name picked out, but ‘B.U.M.’ was already taken.” (Ray)

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While on a camping trip, La Mirada reader Mitzi Herman’s granddaughter Sarah, 3, constantly asked her mother about plants and animals they spotted. Mom explained that the ranger could answer her questions.

“But , Mommy,” the child replied , “we don’t talk to rangers.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.