LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Democratic Party offering dinner with the President for a $100,000 contribution: “When Bill Clinton said he would be the President of change, he didn’t mean small change.”

* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “$1,000 gets an invitation to events with Hillary, and for $19.95, Roger Clinton will come to your dinner party with a tuna casserole and sing.”

Hamilton, on GOP presidential hopeful Lamar Alexander beginning a 90-mile walk through New Hampshire: “He says he hears the voters’ message. Apparently they told him to take a hike.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on DHEA, a new drug that is said to retard aging: “Users say the only side effects are acne and an uncontrollable urge to borrow your parents’ car.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the latest Democratic proposal for simplifying the IRS tax forms: “It is efficient. The tax form is printed on a postcard. And the audit notice is printed on a rubber glove.”

Paul Feldman, on the antitrust probe of Ticketmaster being dropped: “Copies of the decision are free by calling 1-800-NOCHARGES. Leave your name, address and credit card number with non-refundable service charge fee of $3.50 per page, handling fee of $1.50 per page and facility fee of $2.50.”

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Babewatch: Here’s what Church says you might find if David Hasselhoff completes his plans to open a restaurant chain with a “Baywatch” theme:

* Customers order beverages by cup size: A, B, C or Pamela Anderson.

* Servers bring baskets of buns and cocoa butter.

* Menu cautions diners to wait one hour after eating before trying to listen to Hasselhoff sing.

* People sit down, gorgeous waitresses keep dashing back and forth, but nothing happens for an hour. Just like the TV show.

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Cirque du O.J.: “The FBI hair expert said Nicole didn’t have much contact with her attacker. That’s understandable--he had a plane to catch.” (Ryan)

* “The lawyers aren’t allowed to use the word match in court. That’s probably smart. One spark and O.J.’s defense could blow sky-high.” (Bob Mills)

* “F. Lee Bailey’s cross-examination of the FBI agent on the gloves was the first time he ever barked the word bloody without following it with the word Mary .” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Bailey doesn’t know much about human hair. His expertise lies more in the hair of the dog.” (Mills)

* “Thursday’s testimony about dandruff in the knit cap was the first flake testimony since Kato Kaelin was on the stand.” (Charlie Reinke)

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Claremont reader Gloria Russakov was taking son Daniel, 4, with her to the obstetrician. To prepare him, she explained that the doctor would listen to the baby’s heartbeat after he spread a little jelly on her tummy. Looking confused, Daniel asked:

“What about the peanut butter?”