LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills on hearings exploring ways to prevent ATF agents from resorting to violence against suspects before considering options: “Liberal Democrats want to know if tear-gas can be replaced by showing suspects the final scenes from ‘The Bridges of Madison County.’ ”

Comedy writer Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton explaining why he can’t understand why yuppies don’t have more children: “There’s a good reason. Thanks to sperm banks and in vitro fertilization, all the private schools are booked until 2035.”

Hamilton, on Russian painters coming to the Toledo Zoo to paint a picture with Renee the Elephant: “She holds a brush in her trunk and paints. At last, an artist the Republicans will fund!”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on affirmative action: “As the Rev. Jesse Jackson and demonstrators sang ‘We Shall Overcome,’ Gov. Pete Wilson shouted to protesters, ‘All We Are Saying/Is Give Racism a Chance.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Bob Dole turning 72: “At his birthday party, they’ll play ‘pin the blame on the President.’ ”

Comedy writer Tyler Horn, on Don King’s ad for potential sparring partners: “He received 1,200 applicants after he changed the wording: ‘Contact Don King If You’re Interested in Plastic Surgery.’ ”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Dr. Rolando Sanchez cutting a patient’s toe without consent: “This little piggy went to the lawyer.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The O.J. workout tapes have been selling like hot cakes. He recommends power walking. Here’s how it works: You commit a crime, hire a bunch of power attorneys and then walk.” (Jay Leno)

* “O.J.’s physicians admit the football player was physically capable of murder. This refutes the strength test administered by his lawyers. They were only having him pull out his wallet.” (Ray)

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After 40 years of living in Russia, Boris realized nothing had really changed. He was still forced to stand in line for countless hours every month for his vodka allotment. Finally one day, he jumped out of line and announced he was going home to get his gun and shoot all the political leaders. When he came back a day later, the line had still not moved. When everyone began asking him, “Well, did you shoot them?” Boris replied, “Hell no! You should’ve seen that line.”

-- John Carvaly

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As Moorpark reader Bette Schoonover’s daughter Jordann-Alexandria, 4, told her mother that apples grow on apple trees, lemons grow on lemon trees and oranges grow on orange trees, she paused and then added:

“And if you get sick, you pick something off a sycamore tree.”