LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on The Newt testifying before the House Ethics Committee about his book deal: “It was not easy trying to explain why he’s the only person who’s ever made any money teaching.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on GOP cuts that would eliminate a program to help the poor find summer jobs: “Republicans claim that not having to work in the summer will allow the poor more time to travel abroad.”

Jay Leno, on Rep. Mel Reynolds: “Teen-agers have it rough these days. . . . Democrats are trying to have sex with them and Republicans are taking away their school lunches.”

Comic Jenny Church, on a cardiologist being Sen. Bob Dole’s top Florida fund-raiser: “That’s weird. It’s like a brain surgeon working for Dan Quayle.”

Comedy writer Stan Kaplan, on former White House Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers’ appearance in traffic court: “She pleaded not guilty to driving under the influence of Bill Clinton.”

Comedy writer Buddy Baron, on the new Japanese ship that is powered by magnets: “So far, it’s collected 2,000 refrigerator doors.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Southern Pacific laying off 600 workers: “The news was leaked to the press in the usual way. It was loaded inside a tanker.”

Cutler, on the sick O.J. juror: “You can hear the word conspiracy only so many times before you want to hurl.”

Ray, on Christie Brinkley leaving her new husband after only seven months: “They had a marriage fit for a king--Larry King.”

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That’s entertainment: On Friday’s opening of “Waterworld,” the $200-million movie epic . * “I went to the premiere and fell asleep after just $20 million.” (Andy Marx)

* “Overheard during the gala premiere: Would you like to check your ego with that coat, Mr. Costner?” (Bob Mills)

* “Studio accountants have retitled it ‘The Big Soak.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “The movie is doing so well at the box office that it’s been held under for another week.” (Phyllis Diller)

Cutler, on word that Tom Arnold will star as Ralph Cramden in a movie version of “The Honeymooners”: “Just because you can fit into Jackie Gleason’s trousers doesn’t mean you can fill his shoes.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Zsa Zsa Gabor looking for a producer to turn her life into a TV miniseries: “She’s got it all wrong. First you have to get a life, then they make a movie.”

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When Burbank reader Teri O’Connor and her husband told daughter Calli, 4, that the family would soon buy a minivan, she became agitated and said:

“I don’t want a minivan. I want a Mickey van!”