LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on Ross Perot saying he doesn’t want to run in 1996, but is not ruling it out: “He’s starting to sound like Colin Powell. In Perot’s case, of course, there’s a fine line between imitating a Colin and being an ass.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on leading GOP contenders attending Perot’s three-day conference: “Phil Gramm raised the age issue when he accused Bob Dole of sounding like Buchanan. Not Pat, but James.”

Cutler, on Shannon Faulkner becoming the first female cadet at the Citadel in South Carolina: “Her welcome rivaled that given the Union Army.”

Comic Dennis Miller, on the Florida state senator who was involuntarily committed to a sanitarium: “GOP officials rushed him there after he expressed some concern for minorities and the poor.”

Miller, on developers and the environment: “A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Roseanne’s new baby boy: “It ain’t easy being a new mom. She gets up for 2, 4 and 6 a.m. feedings. And when she’s through, the kid wants to eat.”

Ray, on Elvis Week: “Memphis is planning a memorial Wednesday for the thousands of fans who flocked there. At noon, there will be a ceremonial ringing of all Graceland-area cash registers.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on President Clinton’s 49th birthday, this Saturday: “A recent physical shows him to be in excellent health, except for a slight hearings problem.”

Cutler, on the President eulogizing Jerry Garcia and adding that he and Chelsea are two generations of Grateful Dead fans: “Sure, Dad. Let’s see how big a fan you are when Chelsea runs off in a VW van with a bongo player named Moth.”

*

Bob was very proud of his Texas heritage and lived there until he died. When he arrived in heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.

Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Bob poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches.

Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined. But Bob said he was sure Dallas had more impressive parks.

After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff and shouted: “You see that enormous lake of fire? Have you got anything like that in Texas?”

“Well, no,” Bob replied sheepishly. “But I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out.”

--John Carvaly *

Redondo Beach reader Estelle Ferguson’s grandson, Ross, 5, asked his father about the measures of time. Dad snapped his fingers and defined that moment as lasting for “a second.” Ross appeared to understand, but then asked:

“If that is a second, how long is a first?”