LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on three of the President’s investment partners being indicted for Whitewater: “This thing is getting closer to Clinton than his deodorant.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Clinton’s Wyoming respite: “He’s putting off most important decisions for a while. In other words, it’s a working vacation.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Vanity Fair story alleging past extramarital affairs by The Newt: “What a love machine. In bed with dozens of special interests and he still has time for a woman.”

Cutler, on senator and possible White House contender Bill Bradley saying he has talked with Gen. Colin Powell: “About the only presidential hopeful who hasn’t is Pat Paulsen.”

* Adds Jay Leno: “You got to admire Bradley’s confidence. He feels he can do anything. That’s common among ex-professional athletes. In fact, some of them think they can get away with murder.”

Pomona reader Bob DeVinney, on Woody Allen’s upcoming movie: “It’s rumored that he’s making a sequel, ‘Bullock’s over Broadway.’ ”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on problems with Michael Jackson’s online cyber-chat: “He had this annoying habit of repeatedly grabbing his joystick.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Michael Jordan’s new line of promotional T-shirts: “They say: Be Like Mike, Go On Strike .”

*

Cirque du O.J.: “If you think the trial has been slow, just wait until the Writer’s Guild puts Laura Hart McKinny’s tapes into credit arbitration.” (Bob Mills)

* “The lawyers have been arguing about the lighting for Sunday’s planned field trip to the crime scene. F. Lee Bailey doesn’t want any bright illumination that could make him look all washed up.” (Jenny Church)

* “Carl Douglas requested a gate slamming demonstration at the scene. It’s scheduled to take place right after the fishing expedition.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Douglas said the defense was opposed to the crime-scene trip because it would cost too much. But he had difficulty arguing his point over the roaring laughter in the courtroom.” (Peyser)

*

A beautiful young woman married a devoutly religious man, and for a while their marriage and sex life went well. But a few weeks before Easter, she noticed an abrupt halt to their bedroom activities.

When she pressed him for a reason, her husband replied, “I’m sorry, it’s Lent.”

“Well,” the wife asked, “to whom and for how long?”

--James Haran, Huntington Beach

*

Redondo Beach reader Joe Rooney recalls that during the 1950s, when ice cream vendors sold their goodies for 10 cents, his children, Kathy, then 6, and Mike, then 4, were occasionally given dimes to go out and wait for the truck. One day, Kathy came back into the house, sobbing loudly:

“I lost Mike’s dime.”