LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Congressman Bob Dornan’s floundering presidential campaign: “Besides being $200,000 in debt, aides report that Dornan is running dangerously low on hate phrases, personal invectives, half-truths and groundless innuendoes.”

Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on a secret GOP plan to keep Ross Perot from running for President: “Republicans will offer him a new Cabinet post in their new administration--Secretary of Metaphor.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Clintons’ rafting trip: “Pundits were shocked to see the President up a creek with a paddle.”

* Adds comic Jenny Church: “The group thought they spotted a bald eagle, but then realized it was Montel Williams in the press boat.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Jack Kevorkian assisting with his 25th suicide: “He’s not like other doctors. Most patients spend an eternity before their physician sees them.”

Mills, on the five helicopters donated by the Army to the LAPD: “Three of the whirlybirds still have the golf-bag racks used for transporting Clinton aides to their country clubs.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the five agents known as the Young Turks, who are said to be taking over CAA: “These guys are very close. They met while battling vultures for the same carcass on the Santa Monica Freeway.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Alabama bringing back chain gangs, with inmates breaking limestone rocks with 10-pound sledgehammers: “California was quick to follow. At the Beverly Hills Jail, inmates now have to crush their own ice for happy hour.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Judge Ito threatened to remove cameras from the courtroom if attorneys continued hamming it up for the TV audience. Unfortunately, the lawyers didn’t hear him because he said it during a costume change.” (Brad Halpern)

* “So, whose footprints did Dr. Henry Lee find? Could it be that at long last, we’re finally closing in on the Abominable Snow Job?” (Kenny Noble)

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Faulkner Fallout: “A class-action suit has been filed that would allow more women into the Citadel. Expecting to lose, school officials have begun expanding the infirmary.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “What advice would Shannon Faulkner give the second woman at the Citadel? Pass up seconds at KFC, and don’t show up in worse shape than Pete Wilson’s presidential campaign. “ (Cutler)

* “Faulkner’s attorney said Shannon opened the door for other women. Of course, she then had to sit down and catch her breath.” (Perisho)

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Mission Viejo reader Doug Anderson’s daughter Emily, 4, was at a park recently, playing with friends. Emily suddenly ran to her mother and tattled: “Joey is calling me names!” When Mom asked what Joey had called her, Emily replied:

“Sara.”