LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Bob Packwood’s lawyer saying he has a witness who will testify that one of the senator’s accusers made the first move: “Maybe so. But since when has coming to work in the morning ever been considered the first move?”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on President Clinton’s visit to Hawaii to commemorate the end of World War II: “He collects military memorabilia. On his den wall, he’s got copies of all his deferments.”

Hamilton, on The Newt paper-doll book, now out in bookstores: “It sells for $9.95, and includes a cardboard Gingrich and 28 outfits. Influence sold separately.”

Jay Leno, on Gov. Pete’s car accident last week in Iowa: “I can understand that. Nine Republicans all in the same state and all making right turns are bound to run into each other sooner or later.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Rush Limbaugh’s show moving from 6:30 p.m. to a 1 a.m. time slot: “He used to be on during dinner time. But his views are too hard to stomach.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Lucky Vanous returning to Diet Coke commercials: “In his new ad, the sexy, shirtless construction worker sips Diet Coke while filing sexual harassment charges. Then he goes to file disability.”

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They Got a Helluva Band . . . Leno, on doctors announcing that Jerry Garcia died from clogged arteries: “Isn’t that ironic? People thought it was the marijuana, and all the time it was the brownies.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the gala opening of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland: “Organizers were careful not to let the event get too meaningful. A lot of the inductees have a real problem with substance abuse.”

* Adds Ray: “Security was tight for fear that some material might be stolen. Michael Bolton was rumored to be in town.”

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Whack! Proposed Republican cuts will reduce health care for California’s elderly by $44.1 billion over the next seven years. According to comedy writer Bob Mills, GOP leaders insist seniors can cope by following a few simple suggestions:

* When they X-ray your luggage at the airport, ask them to take a shot of your chest, too.

* You can determine your cholesterol count by dividing your Social Security number by your weight and adding your age.

* Denture wearers should obtain the GOP pamphlet: 101 Inexpensive Foods You Can Gum.

* A perfectly usable walker can be fashioned out of an old supermarket pushcart.

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Reader Danny Martin’s daughter Emma, 3, has been learning to speak Spanish from a baby-sitter. While looking at the moon with her, Martin told her that it was crescent-shaped. Emma then asked:

“Is that Spanish for banana ?”