LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

The Good Book . . . On the Christian Coalition Conference in Washington, replete with GOP presidential hopefuls:

* “In a predictable move, the coalition unanimously voted Jesus as favorite son.” (Tony Peyser)

* “The audiences cheered any candidate who vowed to end welfare. Wonder how they would treat a candidate who wanted to give loaves and fishes to the needy?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “One phone company hawked its wares, proclaiming that it’s Christian-owned. Its service includes the laying-on of surcharges.” (Jenny Church)

* “Phil Gramm signed the coalition’s pledge and chided Bob Dole for refusing. Gramm also pledged to finance only X-rated films that feature married porn stars.” (Bob Mills)

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And the winner is . . . “The Emmys went on so long, I thought Jerry Lewis was going to come out and ask for money.” (Steve Tatham)

* “ ‘Frasier’ received five Emmys, including best actor and best supporting actor in a comedy series. It’s Hollywood. Of course psychiatrists will be held in high regard.” (Cutler)

* “After being shut out Sunday night, ‘Friends’ turned into just ‘Acquaintances.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

* “ ‘Frasier’ won five, while ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ and ‘Melrose Place’ were shut out again. Apparently TV’s Grammer is much better than its Spelling.” (Alex Pearlstein)

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Also in the news: Church, on The Newt saying the prospect of a third-party presidential bid by Gen. Colin Powell is a joke: “That may be, but Gingrich for President would be a gag.”

Kenny Noble (FM 103.1), on Bob Packwood’s birthday cake with 63 candles: “He took a deep breath, made a wish and blew out his career.”

* Adds comedy writer Paul Ryan: “He didn’t want to resign, but he finally saw the writing on the stall.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on budget disagreements: “If President Clinton and Congress can’t agree, government shuts down Sept. 30. Nobody’s panicking, however, because lobbyists say there are still 18 shopping days left to buy a congressman.”

Jay Leno, on Madonna’s article, “If I Were President,” in the premiere issue of JFK Jr.’s magazine, George: “I think she is a little confused by the political process. She thought that bipartisan meant you get to have sex with both parties.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the current World Chess Championships: “The best thing about playing chess? It gives you instant nerd status without having to take those expensive accordion lessons.”

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Moreno Valley reader Walt Sobzak’s daughter Kayley, 7, has been confused about media references to the Mark Fuhrman tapes during the O.J. Simpson trial. So last week, she asked her mother:

“What’s the ‘N-word’ they keep talking about? ‘Knucklehead’?”