LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on new evidence that LAPD Police Chief Willie L. Williams received free hotel rooms in Las Vegas: “Police commissioners decided to investigate when they noticed that the 911 on patrol cars had been replaced with ‘7 come 11.’ ”

* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Accusations against him aren’t so bad. I’d rather see a cop playing craps than see one beating the crap outta somebody.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the Miss America competition: “What audiences didn’t see during the Miss America competition was the baton twirler, who struck bystanders and won a $25,000 scholarship to the LAPD.”

* Adds Church: “Some expected Miss Idaho, hailing from Mark Fuhrman’s state, to take first or second, but most were betting she’d take the fifth.”

Peyser, on the Republicans’ new Medicare plan: “Dramatic cutbacks are slated for the poor and disabled, but they’ll receive 30% off coupons for Newt Gingrich’s ‘To Renew America.’ ”

Jay Leno, on Tennessee Sen. Bill Frist’s career choices: “He’s a doctor and a senator. Now he has two reasons to tell women to take their clothes off.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Times Books’ release of Sen. Bob Packwood’s diaries: “They’ll be displayed near the magazine section right on top of Today’s Woman.”

Mills, on headliner Roger Clinton and the Politics’ gig at the “Nixonpalooza” concert: “They’ll play their hit, ‘The Ballad of Rosemary Woods.’ It’s 18 minutes of silence.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the FBI investigation of possible child pornography by Calvin Klein: “He says teen-agers on his billboards are experienced models, but appearing on milk cartons doesn’t qualify as legitimate print work.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on Hugh Grant’s and girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley’s upcoming film: “No word yet on whether Divine Brown has been hired as a grip.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The prosecution’s footprint specialist was pretty convincing. After one look at the defense, he correctly determined that O.J. had been stepped on by a bunch of overpriced loafers.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The jury’s getting so pessimistic about the lengthy trial that three members were seen dragging in a Christmas tree.” (Wayne E. Scott)

* “If the trial ends in a hung jury, Johnnie Cochran will seek a change of venue: Buffalo.” (Scott)

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While reading to her daughter, Kate, 7, Santa Barbara reader Pat Saley came to a passage involving the scattering of ashes across the ocean. After explaining to Kate about cremation procedures and their link with favorite places and activities, Kate announced:

“I want my ashes spread over ice cream.”