LAUGH LINES : Punchlines


In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Big Orange supervisors selecting the county’s airport director as its new chief executive: “That’s one way to lose all the baggage from the Citron years.”

Jay Leno, on Bob Packwood: “I don’t know what senator will be getting Packwood’s old office, but here’s a little bit of advice: Hose down the desk and steam clean the carpet with Lysol.”

Church, on the relocation of 27 vicious lions from Idaho to L.A.’s Wildlife Way Station: “It’s an exchange program between Idaho and the LAPD.”


Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on the President apologizing to Welsh people for using the term, Welsh on your bets : “Clinton said he never would have said it if he thought it would get their Irish up.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a GOP plan that would allow private firms to assist the IRS: “You think the forms are complicated now. Just wait until they’re designed by the same guys who draft those extended warranties at Circuit City.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Evel Knievel’s next death-defying stunt: “He’s going to explain the GOP’s Medicare plan to a roomful of senior citizens.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Michael Bolton telling “Extra” that he’s not going to mimic his good friend Andre Agassi and cut his hair: “Finally, somebody Bolton won’t copy.”


That Great Sucking Sound . . . H. Ross Perot announces his Independence (Reform) Party:

* “Perot told reporters that he was so proud, he felt four feet tall.” (Mills)

* “He needs 890,000 signatures on a petition to get on California’s ballot, and it’ll be tougher than he thinks. Officials won’t let him count the voices inside his head.” (Hamilton)

* “Now that Time Warner owns CNN, maybe Larry King can interview some of the other Loony Tunes besides Perot.” (Steve Tatham)


Cirque du O.J.: “Peter Neufeld broke his glasses Tuesday and Judge Ito got him some Krazy Glue. Ito later ruled that Neufeld could use the remaining glue to help cement the defense’s case.” (Tony Peyser)


* “Ito would like to serve on the juvenile bench, where he believes judges can make a real difference. If a kid is only 12 or 13, you may still be able to keep him from becoming a lawyer.” (Hamilton)

* “Robert Shapiro says Simpson is being crushed under an avalanche of lies. Hey, you get what you pay for.” (Paul Ryan)

* “Shapiro was very angry that old videos were not allowed for the defense’s final argument. It’s been a long time since he’s seen himself as the Dream Team’s lead lawyer.” (Brad Halpern)


At preschool recently, Goleta reader Ann Nitikman’s grandson, Michael, 4, was introduced to his first typewriter. The boy sat down and studied it for a few minutes before finally asking his teacher:

“Where’s the ‘enter’ key?”