LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on France detonating a second nuclear bomb: “One more and France will be forced to leave the United Nations, and join United Artists.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the sheik who was convicted in the World Trade Center bombing: “He was accused of trying to destroy the New York financial district. Why couldn’t he just do it like a man, and simply sell derivatives?”

Comic Steve Tatham, on rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg being allowed to remain free on $1 million bail on a murder charge: “But the judge said that one false step and Dogg will have his nose rubbed in his music.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the Pope’s rally Thursday at Giants Stadium in New Jersey: “The venue was picked because it’s sacred. It’s built right on top of an ancient mob burial ground.”

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This is way too easy . . . California’s State Bar Assn. is holding its annual meeting in San Francisco. Among its numerous career-enhancing workshops:

* Making your presence felt in feeding frenzies.

* Five steps to a more threatening dorsal fin.

* Tips from the nation’s top bottom-feeders.

* Toward more productive circling.

* Keeping your eyes from rolling to the back of your head during court. (Bob Mills)

* “At one seminar, many lawyers criticized the Simpson case for showing their profession in a bad light. Next time, they’ll insist on candles and a dimmer switch.” (Jenny Church)

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Hail to the Pete: “Gov. Wilson gave up the presidential race because of poor finances. Travel was a big expense. He not only had to crisscross the nation, he had to double-cross his state.” (Alan Ray)

* “He dropped out because of cash problems. I guess LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams’ tips on finding free hotel rooms wasn’t enough.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “He quit the race before the other guys even took off their warm-up suits.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Cirque du O.J.: “You knew Johnnie Cochran would deal the race card during his summation when, before he began, he put on a green shade visor and a sleeve garter, and licked his thumb.” (Kaseberg)

* “Yo, Barry Scheck. About the whining? Richard Lewis called. Said you’re stealing his act.” (Cutler)

* “News update: Several courtroom spectators at Cochran’s closing argument are still hospitalized from smoke inhalation.” (Tony Peyser)

* “What’s the winner get in an O.J. jury office pool? A free pair of Aris Lights.” (Cutler)

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Sun City reader Linda Husted’s grandnephew Garrett, 5, spent the night with her before his first day of school after four weeks vacation. Husted took him to school the next day, and later called to see how his day had gone.

“They made me work very hard today,” the boy replied, “so tomorrow, I’m calling in sick.”