LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Hurricane Opal hitting Florida with 144 m.p.h. winds and causing more than 100,000 people to flee: “In addition, a Pensacola convention for the Hair Club for Men was canceled.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the President presenting the National Medal of the Arts to 17 people for their contributions to our culture: “As Arkansas governor, Clinton presented that state’s same award to the guy who invented the bib you wear when you eat ribs.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on media baron Rupert Murdoch’s 1996 launch of his own sailboat racing series: “He likes going out on his yacht with his lap dog. Here Newt, here boy. “

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Congress’ only married couple, Republicans Susan Molinari and Bill Paxon, expecting a baby: “The birth will mark the first time Washington politicians have produced something without the intervention of a lobbyist.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Tipper Gore saying that daughter Sarah, 16, is “extremely miserable and unhappy” in the wake of being caught at a party with an open can of beer: “Could be worse. She could have been seen at the party with a zit.”

Jay Leno, on the FDA approving a new male hormone patch that can cure impotence and depression: “It seems to me that if you cure the impotence, that pretty much takes care of the depression.”

Mills, on Wal-Mart’s first store in L.A.: “Formal ground-breaking will take place after company executives lay a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Small Businessman.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on a Wisconsin judge trying to decide what to do with Jeffrey Dahmer’s brain: “The family can’t agree. His mom wants to donate it to a medical school, but his father thinks it belongs in a law school.”

Cutler, on the Jackson, Miss., prisoner who escaped by smearing himself with peanut butter and squeezing through the bars: “He almost got caught. He was briefly stuck on the roof of the jailhouse.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Robert Shapiro says he won’t ever speak to F. Lee Bailey again. There’s a first: Lawyers who aren’t talking. And they say the trial didn’t do this country any good.” (Cutler)

* “Bailey said that at one time, Shapiro wanted to plea bargain. He only changed his mind after Bailey and Johnnie Cochran reminded him of the potential billable hours.” (Brad Halpern)

* “I think we can all get back to our normal lives and routines, and, of course, begin to focus on what really matters--the Menendez trial.” (Leno)

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Mission Viejo reader Daleen Comer says that while husband Keith was helping their daughter, Geneva, 3, decipher the lyrics of a song about gold mining, he asked, “Do you know what a nugget is?” Geneva thought for a moment, then answered:

“Chicken?”