LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: All eyes are on Washington, D.C., today for the Million Man March. Comedy writer Earl Hochman says the capital is expecting hundreds of thousands of men, “along with one woman--Heidi Fleiss.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop: “Isn’t gonna be a toilet seat down for miles around.”

At the Menendez trial, the brothers’ latest defense is that their parents had supernatural powers over them. “The defense must be serious,” says comedy writer Bob Mills. “They’re calling Stephen King as their first witness.”

* And speaking of superstition, Cutler says the Menendez boys revealed on Friday the 13th that they always stepped on the cracks.

On “Beverly Hills, 90210” hunk Jason Priestley reportedly signing to play baseball slugger Mickey Mantle in a TV bio-pic, comedy writer Alex Pearlstein says the actor thought he’d be working once again with former co-star Shannen Doherty. “But the producers explained, ‘No, no, you’ll be facing a lot of pitches.’ “

Men’s Health magazine says men today just want to be regular guys, like Michael Jordan and Tom Hanks. Comedy writer Jerry Perisho wonders if a “regular guy” wouldn’t be oatmeal-eating Wilford Brimley.

The Internal Revenue Service has laid off 600 workers. Comedy writer Alan Ray says, “The news gets worse: Officials say there are no plans to lay off more.”

Ray adds that O.J. Simpson is going to perform in the rhythm section on the next record from Snoop Doggy Dogg: “He’ll beat the rap.”

* O.J. is reportedly getting the cold shoulder from his Brentwood neighbors, even his Riviera Country Club golf buddies. Comedy writer Kenny Noble says Johnnie Cochran has advised him: “If you wanna thaw, then shut your jaw.”

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Bare Market: Rick’s Cabaret in Houston has become the first striptease club to be traded on the stock market:

* It trades just like any other stock--except to buy shares you don’t write a check, you stuff bills in your stockbroker’s pants. (Alex Kaseberg)

* For investors who are into stocks and bondage. (Jenny Church)

* Analysts are predicting a big bust. (Steve Tatham)

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Kathie Austin of Redondo Beach teaches third grade in Torrance. Every Friday, Mrs. Israel of the Retired Senior Volunteer Program helps out in her classroom. The class is multiethnic, largely Asian, and Mrs. Israel has a hard time remembering the names of all the children. One day she was instructing a little boy and said, “Young man, come sit down here.”

He responded indignantly, “My name is not Young Man, it’s Young Min!”