LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on physicians allegedly abusing the local health care system by getting paid for hours they’re not actually working: “It’s gotten so bad that some doctors are now technically Teamsters.”

Comic Steve Tatham, on a new poll ranking Los Angeles among the worst cities in America to raise kids: “Among the reasons cited: People in Hollywood are so busy trying to hang onto their own youth, they haven’t got time to worry about anyone else’s.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on California’s equality law, which requires that both sexes be charged equally for the same services: “So from now on, men and women will be taken to the cleaners equally.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Willie L. Williams appearing with an ethnic rainbow of police officers and employees: “To further demonstrate diversity, the chief pointed out that some like poker or slots, others shoot craps and a few play the ponies.”

Mills, on the FDA developing a new, faster E. coli test for ground meat: “Fast-food burgers will soon come with a test stick that turns red if the meat is tainted, and green if the cow was pregnant.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Morgan Funshares, the first mutual fund designed to invest in sin stocks (tobacco, liquor, gambling and sexy lingerie): “The fund bought into chewing-gum manufacturer Wrigley, because it is trying to quit buying cigarettes.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Eric and Lyle Menendez saying they killed their parents because they feared their folks had supernatural powers: “Yeah, the power to change the will.”

Cutler, on former Montreal Expos General Manager Kevin Mallone telling Christian Weekly magazine that pro sports are controlled by Satan: “Though the devil only shares pro boxing with Don King.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the “Million Man March”: “Louis Farrakhan doesn’t play the race card. He plays the whole casino.”

Comedy writer Jym Dingler: on Saddam Hussein’s landslide win in the Iraqi presidential referendum: “If Saddam hadn’t won hands-down, it would have been voters’ hands off.”

Church, on a record sixth delay of the launch of the space shuttle Columbia: “If it stalls out again, they should rename it the space shuttle Congress.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on a Torrance store becoming the first to offer ostrich meat: “With Americans starting to bite on something really big that’ll never fly, President Clinton is considering giving his health-care plan another shot.”

Ryan, on a Hollywood PR expert doubting that O.J. Simpson can ever repair his image: “So, she says he may as well just become a lawyer.”

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Camarillo reader Deborah Katler says son Scott, 7, wanted to make sure he understood the new baseball playoffs, so he asked his dad: “First, they have division playoff games, right? Then, the winners have league playoffs, right? Then they have the World Series, right?” When his father told him he was correct on all three, Scott added a finale:

“Then they all go on strike, right?”