LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Paul Ecker, on Hillary Clinton’s birthday: “The President had planned on giving her an early birthday present by having her bathroom remodeled. Unfortunately, he hired Judge Lance Ito’s stepson.”

David Letterman, on President Clinton’s message to Chinese leader Jiang Zemin: “Cut out the human rights violations and cut back on the MSG.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on what Clinton told Boris Yeltsin after the Russian leader praised his speech: “Forget it, Boris. You’re not getting my Bud Light.”

Alan Ray, on O.J.’s search for Nicole’s real killer: “Right now, it is moving at a slow pace. Putt, putt, putt, putt. . . .”

* Adds Argus Hamilton: “So far, his exhaustive research has narrowed it down to either Arnold Palmer or Lee Trevino.”

Jenny Church, on the recent marriage of car dealer Cal Worthington: “The bride tossed the bouquet, and the groom threw a fan belt.”

Jay Leno, on the scariest thing about Halloween: “It’s not the monsters or vampires. It’s that week after Halloween, when your pumpkin dries out and starts to look like Strom Thurmond.”

Bob Mills, on the new AFL-CIO president: “Labor analysts say that the defeated incumbent just had too many skeletons under his stadiums.”

Kathy Peyser, on a CBS-New York Times poll finding that two-thirds of Americans don’t like the GOP’s proposed Medicare and budget cuts: “The Newt doesn’t believe it and has demanded a recount--by the U.S. Park Service.”

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Rap Sheet: Cutler, on convict/rapper Tupac Shakur saying he’s not a gangster, he’s an artist: “Great. A few more felonies and we’ll hang him in the Louvre.”

Tony Peyser, on Disney releasing “Powder,” directed by convicted child molester Victor Salva: “He would have been fired when the production company learned, halfway through filming, that he was a pedophile. But Roman Polanski wasn’t available.”

* Adds Wayne Scott: “The ensuing furor has had a tremendous effect. Now, Disney won’t even let Darby O’Gill near the little people.”

Hamilton, on Nebraska reinstating tailback/ex-girlfriend beater Lawrence Phillips to the team: “Coach Tom Osborne consulted a psychiatrist first. And the doctor said Osborne would be crazy not to use him against Oklahoma.”

Ray, on the San Francisco law student arrested for a string of bank robberies: “There’s only one word for a future lawyer who would steal money without conscience: valedictorian. “

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El Monte reader Jean Loomis and her sister were going through a box of baby clothes to see what could be used by Sis’ new baby. When her sister’s daughter Caitlin, 5 1/2, saw something she hadn’t seen before, she asked her mom about it. “Those are moccasins for the baby,” her mom replied.

“Oh,” replied Caitlin, “in case it turns out to be an Indian?”