LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Alan Ray, on Boris Yeltsin’s recovery from heart trouble: “There was a bit of an emergency the other night in his room. Doctors were called in to adjust the valve on his keg.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the CIA knowingly passing on Soviet disinformation to Presidents: “Even scarier, estimates of Soviet troop strength were compiled by the National Park Service.”

Argus Hamilton, on the new campaign reform panel: “Congress is now ready to join the war on corruption. The only question is, on which side.”

Jay Leno, on a baby cougar biting The Newt on the chin: “Details on the story are sketchy. In fact, we don’t even know which of Newt’s chins he bit.”

* Adds Stephanie Miller: “They should give him a shot so he doesn’t get rabies. And I guess they should give Newt one, too.”

Leno, on the Department of Agriculture allowing two pellets of rat fecal matter per two kilograms of breakfast cereal: “Do you know what the technical name for grain and fecal matter in food is? A hot dog. “

Hamilton, on the New York Yankees signing manager Joe Torre: “That’s a big surprise. Nobody even knew he had a drug problem.”

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History for $100, Alex . . . Researchers say most U.S. high school seniors don’t know squat about the past. Early clues came when the students said:

* “The Battle of the Bulge was led by Jenny Craig.” (Charlie Reinke)

* “The first 49er to strike gold was Jerry Rice.” (Ray)

* “John Wilkes Booth was where Abraham Lincoln was sitting when he was assassinated.” (Bob Mills)

* “The Monroe Doctrine was JFK’s plan to sneak Marilyn in after Jackie left the house.” (Gary Easley)

* “The Magna Carta is what you use when you’re over the limit on your Visa.” (Jenny Church)

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That’s Entertainment? Tony Peyser, on model Cindy Crawford’s performance in “Fair Game”: “It was so wooden, it’s going to be made into an end table.”

Steve Tatham, on Ricki Lake pleading guilty to disorderly conduct for her part in a fur protest: “The judge ordered her to perform community service. So, she’s taking her show off the air.”

Cutler, on John Travolta getting $21 million for a movie, “Michael”: “That’s a lot of bacon for a sweathog.”

Leno, on the end of the O.J./Paula Barbieri relationship: “The bad news is, she’s now dating James Brown.”

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San Dimas reader Saundra Sheffer says that when granddaughter Gayle was about 3, the girl was watching a nature program on TV with her mother. After several scenes of mother birds feeding babies, a snake was shown slithering along a branch toward an unattended nest, obviously looking for a meal. Concerned about Gayle’s possibly tearful reaction, her mom asked what she thought about it.

“Well,” the girl answered, “it’s a treat for the snake.”