LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Impasse at the D.C. Corral: “The only thing that is still open in Washington is Newt Gingrich’s mouth.” (Jay Leno)

* “Newt is refusing to meet with President Clinton, although he says he might be willing to meet with Michael Douglas.” (Bob Mills)

* “They sent all nonessential government employees home. Sonny Bono showed up anyway.” (David Letterman)

* “Clinton told CBS News that the Republicans are engaged in an exercise of raw, naked power. The last time he talked like that, there was an Arkansas state trooper in the room.” (Argus Hamilton)


* “With both sides so far apart, acting baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has hinted that he may have to intervene.” (Sarvjit Samra)

* “With the White House valet laid off, Hillary now has to park her own broom.” (Charlie Reinke)

* “Newt says the budget crisis could last 90 days, but you know how he is with numbers. He claims he weighs 155.” (Mills)


In the news: Alex Pearlstein, on Saturday’s big game: “So many USC and UCLA players have been suspended for illegal dealings with agents that both teams are dedicating the game to Aldrich Ames.”

Leno, on Johnnie Cochran getting more than Marcia Clark for their upcoming books: “He deserves more. Fiction always sells better than nonfiction.”

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: “Johnnie’s ‘Journey to Justice’ could be the shortest book ever published.”

Alex Kaseberg, on a newspaper survey showing that 1,582 New York cabbies don’t have driver’s licenses: “In addition, the survey revealed that another 158 of them don’t even have pants.”

Hamilton, on Buck Showalter signing to manage the expansion Arizona Diamondbacks. “As he used to work for the Yankees’ George Steinbrenner, nobody has more experience working with snakes.”

Steve Tatham, on the Justice Department not prosecuting Calvin Klein for using young people in his provocative jeans ads: “The Feds came up with a harsher penalty. For two weeks, he must walk around in public in a pair of Sears’ Toughskins.”


Keeping you abreast . . . of the EEOC’s order that Hooter’s restaurants must hire male waiters:

* “Well, when you think of boobs, you think of Washington.” (Cutler)

* “What a silly idea. Most men are well into their 60s before they have enough cleavage for those outfits.” (Hamilton)

* “If I want to see a man with cleavage, I’ll just call the plumber.” (Paul Ryan)


Long Beach reader B. Brown’s granddaughter, 8, was telling her about a fun afternoon with her girlfriend: “We went to the mall, we saw a movie and we had lunch.” Grandma then asked if the girls had a chaperon.

“No,” the young girl replied. “I had a hamburger.”