Deep in the Valley of the Cyberspace Cadets

I cruised the virtual Valley today and I didn’t see her. SHERI TART is missing. And so the mystery begins.

Maybe she’s on the lam. Maybe she’s altered her identity. Maybe she stopped paying her America Online bill.

All I know is that I discovered SHERI TART when I got my 10 free hours from AOL last week and typed in “San Fernando Valley” under the membership directory. Just protecting the people’s right to know.

Her profile is most provocative. If we could create a soap opera in cyberspace, Sheri would have a leading role. Consider:

Hobbies: Sculpture, leather working, treasure hunting, inventing unusual ways to “get rid” of my ex-husband while establishing an alibi.

Occupation: Respiratory therapist, phone actress, puppet/slave.

Quote: I swear officer, I was at work when my ex-husband was killed. . . .

Yes, here’s a character Aaron Spelling would love.

Certainly it’s about time for the San Fernando Valley to host its own soap, just like “Dallas” and “Santa Barbara” and “Over the Hill.” What Heather Locklear is to “Melrose Place,” what Joan Collins was to “Dynasty,” SHERI TART would be to our little potboiler. But what should we call it? “Seamy Valley’ is already taken, though they spell it Simi. Hmmm. . . .

“Reseda Place,” perhaps?

At least SHERI TART gives us a star--and a story line. You see, when I signed on Monday, SHERI had vanished.

Makes you wonder. Did her ex uncover her intentions? In “Reseda Place,” we can search for clues and develop theories.

Could EJG CA have something to do with it? His quote: “Sorry . . . I didn’t know it was loaded.” Or perhaps SHERI got mixed up with one of those kinky couples, like RAL3SUM, who say: “If two people can have a good time, three can have a GREAT time.” Or maybe TooEvil4Ya has her locked up in a closet somewhere. Judging from her racy profile, TooEvil4Ya could be Sheri’s protege. Never know whom to trust these days.

SHERI’s disappearance is just a start. But we’ll need some subplots and co-stars.

Ladies first.

Surely we’ll find a place for CASkiBunni, age 21. She’s got attitude. “I’m a natural blonde. Please speak s-l-o-w-l-y. . . . Married and cheating? Give me your wife’s number and I’ll keep her company.” And then there’s Starr71: “Married men are wonderful, aren’t they? I just love them . . . when they leave me alone!!!” And Susanna CA, age 26, says her hobby is “going to confession.” She works in a bank and says she’s been “embezzling for years.”

As for the gentlemen, if that’s the word, there are a few possibilities.

We’ll certainly find a place for SLOSSOS, if only because every soap needs a doctor or two. He’s married, but adds: “I’ll take good care of you.” Snapyman is a “holistic veterinarian,” and every soap should have one of those. Cryptically, he inquires: “You want cheese with that?”

We’ll need more playboys. Eddie621 says his hobby is “going out w/ hot babes!” and Radonix says his is “GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS.” (Incidentally, Radonix’s quote is “Fight on, Trojans!” Too bad about those Bruins, bud.) As for the obligatory gay male, there’s Boyin818. I know what you’re thinking. “Reseda Place” doesn’t look like the Valley you know and love. You think, gee, there are some really nice people here, too. All right. We’ll toss in a couple for moral ballast.

One from each gender should be plenty. Representing the good guys, there’s BSQ10ER. His quote: “Strive to be the kind of person your dog thinks you are.” And he’s kind enough to explain what BSQ10ER stands for: “Barbershop Quartet Tenor.”

As for the women, it’s hard to beat Gidget28. “Treat people as you wish yourself to be treated,” she says.

So, you see? The Golden Rule is alive and well in “Reseda Place.”

But maybe that’s the problem. Some of these guys would love to treat Gidget the way they’d want her to treat them.

Then again, maybe that’s Gidget’s coy point. Who knows? In “Reseda Place,” anything is possible. In “Reseda Place,” the innocent exist to be tempted.

And in “Reseda Place,” SHERI TART is still missing.

Goodness knows what happened. Maybe she had a sex change and joined a barbershop quartet. Maybe she got some bad cheese from a holistic veterinarian. Maybe she moved to Palmdale.

What this soap needs is a private eye, a moody and mysterious presence, sort of like Agent Cooper in “Twin Peaks.”

RX7TwnTrbo seems perfect for the job.

His occupation: “Life.”

His quote: “I’m the one who steps from the shadows, all trench coat and cigarette and arrogance, ready to deal with the madness.”

Stay tuned.

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to Harris at the Times Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311. Please include a phone number. Address TimesLink or Prodigy e-mail to YQTU59A ( via the Internet: YQTU59A@prodigy.com).