LAUGHLINES : Punchlines

In the news: Bob Mills, on the jury impaneled for the Snoop Doggy Dogg trial: “It seems to be well-balanced: Six beagles, three golden retrievers, two Lhasa apsos and a Scottie-schnauzer mix.”

Brad Halpern, on Gov. Pete throwing in the towel on Proposition 187: “Wilson has thrown in so many towels this year, he’s considering opening a Laundromat.”

Jenny Church, on the IRS audit of Los Angeles: “It is questioning the city listing LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams’ salary as a gambling loss.”

Church, on the opening of the Fantasy of Flight in Florida: “The museum offers four simulated experiences: a good in-flight movie, a comfortable seat, an edible meal and an on-time arrival.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on crime in Los Angeles dropping 13% in 1994: “No wonder the Raiders left. The place just wasn’t the same any more.”

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In the Newt: “President Clinton offered to give Newt Gingrich a Thanksgiving turkey and dressing. Actually, Clinton flipped him the bird and told him to stuff it.” (Jay Leno)

* “Yesterday Gingrich announced that he would not be running for President in 1996. Newt said it would simply take away too much time from his real job which, of course you know, is screwing the elderly.” (David Letterman)

* “We all know Newt’s not running. Just take a look at that stomach.” (Bill Williams)

* “Gingrich says that he just couldn’t stand that part in the presidential debate where you have to let the other guy talk.” (Leno)

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Back to work: Cutler, on federal workers going back to their jobs: “Paper pushers were urged to properly stretch before returning to duty.”

* Adds Alex Pearlstein: “The shutdown wasn’t a record for government inefficiency. That would still have to be the Carter years.”

Argus Hamilton, on the reopening of national parks: “Children looking at Mt. Rushmore this week all have the same question: Which one is Ringo?”

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Upchuck and Di . . . “Leave it to the tabloids. After Princess Diana admitted to extra-marital affairs, reporters scrambled to see if Harry and Wills look anything like the Royal Milkman.” (Pearlstein)

* “Sure Diana, Camilla Parker Bowles is no looker. But was she enough to make you gag?” (Cutler)

* “Diana says she will not divorce Prince Charles because there are children involved. Yeah, she and Prince Charles.” (Leno)

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L.A. reader Judy Zeller says that while her family vacationed in Yosemite this summer, they drove through a spectacular pine forest. Daughter Jessica, 8, and a city kid, opened the car window, took a deep breath and said:

“Mommy, it smells just like air freshener.”