LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Bob Mills, on President Clinton’s meeting with British Prime Minister John Major: “They discussed Bosnia, foreign aid and whether Princess Di is really serious about not dating.”

Kenny Noble, on Clinton’s duet with Van Morrison: “It’s saxual harassment at its worst.”

David Letterman, on the Bosnia mission: “The President did say, he guaranteed absolutely, that the troops would be out in one year. . . . Wow, what a coincidence, because if this don’t work, so will he.”

Jay Leno, on Bob Dole saying people mimic what they see in movies: “That’s true. Look at what happened to him after he saw ‘Grumpy Old Men.’ ”

Steve Tatham, on Ralph Nader’s presidential candidacy for the Green Party: “Nader said he wasn’t going to raise any campaign money. That doesn’t work--Pete Wilson already tried it.”

Mills, on Ireland finally allowing divorce: “There was so much confusion about the new law, Johnny Carson had to be flown in to explain alimony .”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on a psychiatrist being the highest-paid state employee: “It figures. Even California’s tectonic plates are cracked.”

Alex Kaseberg, on prosecutors saying that Snoop Doggy Dogg appeared wild and drove erratically as he fled the scene of a killing: “The defense now plans to plead not guilty by reason of rabies.”

Cutler, on the California attorney general investigating whether Mark Fuhrman lied on the stand in the O.J. trial: “Big investigation. Find a tape recorder and hit the play button.”

Joe Kevany, on the widening gap between the best-paid and worst-paid major league baseball players: “Something must be done about the horrendous chasm between the rich and the filthy rich.”

Brad Halpern, on Chief Willie L. Williams asking for more money to upgrade the aging LAPD computer network: “He claims the LAPD is the only police agency in the state that can’t play computer poker.”

Paul Ryan, on researchers saying sex in outer space is the best way to get pregnant: “It’s also the best way to ensure that the Earth moves for both of you.”

Premiere Morning Sickness, on Anna Nicole Smith checking into the Betty Ford Clinic: “She’s addicted to alcohol, pain killers and old men’s wallets.”

Joseph Vogel, on Tony Randall, 75, marrying a 25-year-old actress: “When she is 35, he’ll be 85, and when she’s 45, he’ll still be in syndication.”

Noble, on the Garlic Gift catalogue from Gilroy: “It’s perfect for that hard-to-please man in your life who wants a little time to himself.”

Neal Leibowitz, on ostrich being billed as “the new red meat”: “That’s funny. For the past few years, I’ve been under the impression that the new red meat was liberals.”

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Malibu reader Max Heller’s great-granddaughter Emily, 3, had been repeatedly admonished for biting her fingernails. Finally, she came up with a defense:

“Mama, I’m just manicuring them with my teeth.”