LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Hail to the Chief: Steve Tatham, on President Clinton’s speech in London: “He invoked Agent 007, introducing himself as Duck, Lame Duck.”

Argus Hamilton, on the Pentagon’s new laser gun technology to defend against missiles: “It has to be ready soon. The Clintons need it to shoot down incoming questions about Whitewater.”

Charlie Reinke, on the President signing a bill to repeal the 55 m.p.h. speed limit: “He figures that now the moving van will be able to shave five hours off the trip back to Arkansas in January, 1997.”

David Letterman, on speculation that the President is a distant cousin of the British Royal Family: “They think now he is a direct descendant of King Arthur’s favorite knight--Sir Lunchalot.”

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Also in the news: Bob Mills, on the House-passed bill to fully identify lobbyists: “All lobbyists will now be required to provide documentation showing species, venom toxicity and location of den.”

Stan Kaplan, on the Pentagon using psychics for the past 20 years: “One was fired when he asked, ‘Which way to the men’s room?’ ”

* Adds Jerry Perisho: “Military officials hope to recover some of the $20 million it spent by selling 17 tons of bent silverware.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Jesse Jackson’s son winning an Illinois Democratic primary for Congress: “His campaign slogan was, ‘Jesse Jr.: Fewer Rhymes, More Reason.’ ”

Cutler, on Rodney King’s wife filing for divorce: “He thinks he took a beating before? Just wait until her lawyer gets through with him.”

Mills, on AutoNation, a national used-car chain: “Industry analysts predict that the new company will boost sales of cheap polyester suits and white patent leather shoes by 30%.”

Jay Leno, on reports that Tonya Harding’s fiance has been in trouble for lying and assault: “It’s nice to see a young couple with something in common.”

Tony Peyser, on astronomers at California’s Palomar Observatory confirming the existence of failed stars: “Their first official sightings included David Caruso, Shannen Doherty and Judd Nelson.”

* Adds Kaplan: “Experts attributed the failings to the lack of a swirling, gaseous mass known as an ‘agent.’ ”

Leno, on the computer-generated hit movie, “Toy Story”: “Critics say they haven’t seen mechanical acting this good since ‘Judge Dredd.’ ”

Alex Kaseberg, on Anna Nicole Smith’s rehab at the Betty Ford Clinic: “It’s not going well. She keeps asking for a Scotch on the rocks and George Burns’ phone number.”

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Camarillo readers Dan and Florence Kaufman have twin grandchildren, Michael and Elizabeth, 3 1/2, and the boy constantly pesters his mother with “why?” One day, his sister came to Mom’s aid:

“Don’t keep asking ‘why?’ Michael. It’s driving Mommy nuts. You should say, ‘How come?’ ”