Merry Hoaxmas:OK, we’re human. We were initially...

Merry Hoaxmas:

OK, we’re human. We were initially flattered when we received a Christmas card that was signed, “Lance,” and contained what appeared to be a photo of America’s most famous judge, along with a quip about Johnnie Cochran. The envelop bore a Criminal Courthouse return address that was festooned with red bells.

But we looked closer and realized it was an Ito look-alike. And it had been mailed from Marina del Rey.

The worst part is that the hoaxer probably thought he could get away with it because we wouldn’t be getting a card from the real Judge Ito. That really hurts.

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NOTE TO ARNOLD, SLY AND BRUCE: Here’s an update on that restaurant in Ho Chi Minh City built to resemble the eateries in your chain. You remember--it even has the trademark globe sign and a similar name to yours. Well, a reporter who has lived in Vietnam for the last year tells us that the place is doing lousy business. So our guess is you guys don’t have to worry about Beverly Hills becoming the site of a second Planet Saigon restaurant.

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NO BETTING ON THIS HOLLYWOOD PARK EVENT: “Join us for the biggest event in L.A.,” say the invitations sent out to local government leaders. And what is this extravaganza?

On Sunday, at 8:30 a.m., Hollywood Park Inc. is blowing up its HPark Plaza Hotel, the company’s proposed site for a football stadium. “I am committed to recruiting a real home team for the greater Los Angeles area,” explains R. D. Hubbard, Hollywood Park’s boss.

In case Hubbard’s appeal to civic pride isn’t enough to lure the politicos, a note printed in boldface letters in the invite says, “Free coffee and doughnuts.”

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THE SIDEWALK WITH TWO RED SHOES: We bring to your attention a couple of mysteries today. One was the snappy pair of footwear that Carolee Snyder spotted on a street corner in Pacific Palisades. How they got there and whether they later walked away, she didn’t know.

The other curiosity was a fire hydrant photographed downtown by Robert Hill, who guessed that it is “a new device for fighting high-rise fires.” Actually, he added, road crews were raising the street.

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WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE: Thomas Pleasure of Venice was thumbing through the pages of a British magazine, the Economist, when he noticed what at first seemed to be a risque help-wanted ad--and one placed by UCLA.

The ad’s (unfortunately) large headline was supposed to say, “SCHOOL OF PUBLIC POLICY AND SOCIAL RESEARCH.”

Only the word PUBLIC was missing a letter. A crucial letter.

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WE’VE NEVER TRUSTED CONVERTIBLES: Bill Zacker of Downey saw this crime note in a local weekly: “The cars used in the holdups have varied in model and color, as have their accomplices, one of whom is a woman.” By the way, what color were her shoes?

miscelLAny:

The book, “Los Angeles, an Architectural Guide,” says of the Sheraton Grand Hotel on Figueroa: “It is best when experienced from the freeway.” Yes, but room service is quite a bit slower.