LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Alex Kaseberg, on Marines landing in Bosnia: “Their mission is to instill U.S. values. Construction began immediately on a Wal-Mart.”

* Adds Bob Mills: “In the first day of minesweeping, Marines located and defused 27 unexploded bombs, 346 land mines and nine CBS sitcoms.”

Argus Hamilton, on the weekend’s huge winter storm: “It was so cold in Washington that Newt Gingrich was only able to stay warm by burning his 1990 campaign finance records.”

* Adds Stephen Due: “It was so cold on the East Coast that NFL defensive backs intentionally got burned just to stay warm.”

Steve Tatham, on the Newt wanting the United States to fund covert operations to dismantle the Iranian government: “Shouldn’t he wait until he’s finished with our government first?”

Jenny Church, on Vice President Al Gore insisting that the GOP is threatening a second government shutdown so “the country will swallow this extremist agenda”: “If Republicans want Bill Clinton to swallow anything, they should just put it between two all-beef patties in a sesame seed bun.”

Hamilton, on Clinton refusing to turn over White House lawyers’ notes on Whitewater: “The courts may deny his attorney-client privilege, but thanks to a correspondence theology school, the lawyers are now also his ministers.”

Douglas Mortenson, on Energy Secretary Hazel O’Leary defending her expensive junkets by saying she’s been out creating jobs: “But do we really need more travel agents, bellboys and baggage handlers?”

* Adds Tony Peyser: “O’Leary insisted that she cut corners and saved taxpayers money by occasionally bringing her own headphones.”

Jerry Perisho, on Congress trying to halt indecency on the Internet: “They can start by looking at the rates phone companies charge for using their lines.”

Mills, on attorney Melvin Belli filing Chapter 11: “Several of his junior partners will be placed on permanent display at San Francisco’s Steinhart Aquarium.”

Alan Ray, on Disney appointing a new head of its 430 specialty stores: “He’ll adhere to the company’s long-standing philosophy: The customer always leaves broke.”

Jay Leno, on Converse basketball shoes leaking fluid from their soles: “And just when you thought basketball shoes couldn’t get any more expensive. Now when they break, you have to call a plumber.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on surviving members of the Grateful Dead calling it quits after the death of Jerry Garcia: “It just wouldn’t be the same anymore. Kind of like ‘CHiPS’ without Larry Wilcox.”

*

L.A. reader Gladys Smith’s 3-year-old grandniece came to visit after church and told Smith that she had helped the minister during services. When Smith asked what she had done to help, the young girl stood up, put her hands on her hips and replied:

“I said amen.”