Hair Today . . . Humiliation for Life

It felt like my head was being flocked.

As a radio audience of (I prayed) only a dozen listened in, infomercial guru Ron Popeil began coating my scalp with his spray-on hair product, GLH Formula Number 9.

This impromptu demonstration (during a promotional appearance for Popeil’s new book) was the brainchild of two evil disc jockeys, KROQ’s Kevin and Bean, who compared my clear-cut forest of a hairline to Joe Garagiola and (more mercifully) Robert Duvall.

In theory, GLH is supposed to miraculously hide small bald spots with a powdery substance similar to the fake-snow material sprayed on Christmas trees.

In my case, however, the “spot”--as Kevin and Bean were only too happy to point out--is more the size of an uncharted South Pacific island.

“If that’s a two-month supply [of GLH],” they chortled, “we’re gonna [have to] use it all here, right?”

Thanks, guys. (Did I mention that Kevin and Bean are evil?)

But perhaps they were accurate. By the time Ron finished aerosoling my cranium, I’d nearly asphyxiated from the fumes and a nervous panel of scientists had convened in Washington to investigate “a sudden and inexplicable” depletion of the ozone layer.

Was it worth it?

“You look 50 times better,” the deejays assured me. “Just don’t try to smoke a cigarette.”

Ha ha, guys! (Did I mention that Kevin and Bean are known puppy stranglers?)

What’s next? Putting me in the Ronco Food Dehydrator? Slicing and dicing me with the Veg-O-Matic?

But then the photographer from the paper said he thought the results looked great.

And Ron was so pleased he started trying to sell me the stuff. “Just $39.92 a can,” he intoned. “Your color is medium brown.”

But after I returned to the newsroom, the reaction wasn’t as enthusiastic. A colleague who inspected the top of my skull said it reminded her of those old G.I. Joe dolls with the fuzzy hair.

And an editor diplomatically announced: “Your head is the funniest thing I’ve seen in years.”

Thanks so much.

And now it’s all documented in living black and white on the pages of the Life & Style section. Isn’t that great?

(Say, did I mention that Kevin and Bean are the spawn of Satan?)